I shot this video the morning after the one I did about men and masturbation… which is a good thing, because the next day I got dozens and dozens of emails from female readers asking me to do a women’s version.
The questions I got were good ones… Are women affected by porn in the same way that men are? Is there such a thing as too much masturbation for women? What about using vibrators?
Lucky for me, I did address those issues in the video, and I’ll probably do a follow up soon with some tips for enjoying masturbation more for women who either don’t masturbate at all yet, or who are scratching their head trying to figure out how the heck they can still do it without a vibrator.
As always, questions and comments are appreciated. Even if I don’t have time to answer all of them here, they do help me to focus on my future video and newsletter topics.
Give a woman enough money, teach her how to get off by herself, provide a good vibrator and she’ll leave your rusty ass. Doesn’t matter. Orgasm upon insertion, stacking the orgasms, clit, G-spot, Deep spot, front, behind. If you love-em, they’ll leave ya…Guaranteed…
Aw Ken, obviously you’ve been hurt, and that sucks. As you must know, plenty of women have been equally hurt by men. Whether you choose to believe it or not, there is a woman out there (many of them, in fact), who could heal that wound and change your mind about your conclusion. Unfortunately, it is almost impossible for that to happen unless you DO choose to believe it. People have a funny way of acting in a way that meets your expectations.
I have been hurt, I have been lonely, and I know that it sucks.
Thanks Alex.
I find it heartbreaking that young people get their sex ed from porn, it’s one of my missions to make a model of sexuality that honors sex and particularly the feminine as well known as the porn model,. The almost total lack of emotional connection and tenderness in porn is so damaging to young women + girls in their development of self esteem and self knowledge as women…not to mention the demands young men make of them..I’m so relieved and glad that many of us are aligned in this mission as it will take a lot to displace or even rival the porn model. The porn model as the sexual norm has both men and women ignorant of much of what makes sex wonderful, for women especially. This alone causes enormous pain and suffering for both genders in relationships, and is the source of many a divorce with more pain for children.
I’m surprised that you wonder many why women don’t find porn appealing. Even apart from the huge numbers of women who have been sexually abused, often in “love” relationships, sex is highly emotional for a female, sometimes not noticed until after the fact when the man has gone. I’m sure you are aware that the female sexual centre in the brain is right in the much larger emotional centre, where the male sexual centre, much larger than the female’s, is on opposite parts of the brain to the emotional centre. It’s obvious where this comes from, from an evolutionary standpoint. Now that we have succeeded in populating the planet way beyond what’s needed, it’s our new challenge to create a model of sexuality that honors both men and women. I appreciate the work you are doing with Revolutionary Sex.
Thanks for your thoughtful comment Rosie.
I’m coming to the belief that early exposure to porn is, itself, a form of sexual abuse… and like all victims of sexual abuse, some go on to lead normal, healthy, and satisfying sex lives, and some carry deep wounds that profoundly harm their future relationships.
My current perspective is that porn is not going to go away and it cannot be beaten. The challenge that our culture will face is in how to regain the power of intimate relationships in a world that includes porn. I do not have all the answers, obviously, but it’s good to know that there are others, like you, who are taking on the mission with me.
It’s also worth noting that from an entirely scientific perspective, sex drive in both men and women is located squarely in the reptilian (medulla oblongata). There are strong emotional associations in the mammalian brain (limbic system) in both genders to both sexual arousal and the act of intercourse that are part of the complex behavioral instincts that are part of being a social animal. For women the possible outcome of sex is much more serious than for men, and so those associations are far more urgent.
In any case, we are all wired to crave sexual satisfaction and some women love viewing pornography, many becoming extremely obsessed with it, and I have not found any correlation between women’s enjoyment of pornography and past CSA.
Porn and the effects of porn on individuals and society is still largely unresearched, and there are far more questions than definite answers.
Alex,
Among the several “Sexual Gurus” on the web at present, you are the one who realizes that there is a lot more to lovemaking, and real love between consenting heterosexual adults, than just the physical, mechanical, greedy “pickup artist” way of thinking. I have long realized that what this planet really needs are more “givers”, and far fewer “takers”, in every field of human endeavor, also the sexual one. Feeling the effect of one’s own output on others, not least one’s sexual and social partner, would certainly improve the quality of that output. The “Golden Rule” is a basic tool for improving not just the human scene, but the lot of every living thing, also that of the planet herself. You seem to me to be working around the edges of that concept in many of the ideas that your videos put across. Know that you are greatly appreciated.
Cheers, Jeff Lane
Thank you Jeff!
For what it’s worth, I operate from my own basic perspective, which is strongly correlated, but not identical to the Golden Rule. I refer to it in my own mind and in private conversations as “getting-each-other-ness”. For me it is a largely spiritual concept of the feeling that we have when we realize that the “other” is actually exactly ourselves on a fundamental level. The recognition that we are all manifestations of the same source. All of my teachings on sex and intimacy spring from that well, and, fortunately for the hard realities of my actual business… they work extremely well in the specific and tangible practices for the couples that try them.
Couple more things. It’ll cost ya about half a million and it’ll be entirely your fault.
Hi Alex,
I enjoy your videos. Just watched the one about masturbation for woman. I am glad that you are thinking about doing a Part 2 on this topic! I would enjoy more detail about it. You didn’t mention dildos and other sex toys. I would suggest a video for the woman who has never masturbated with perhaps a model of the female genitals that you could show and then demonstrate. A picture is worth a 1,000 words!
You didn’t mention anything about testosterone. I think that in addition to societal messages and values, this is another reason that men are more likely to masturbate early on in addition to the build up of sperm. I learned that recently and found it very helpful in understanding the male sex drive compared to women’s. I haven’t watched your male masturbation video yet, so I don’t know if you mention that or not.
While I do masturbate, I have never had an orgasm either alone or with a partner, even with a vibrator. Of course this is very frustrating and maybe related to being sexually abused at a very young age. Any knowledge or suggestions to share?
All best wishes,
Ali
Hey Ali, it’s a complex issue about pre-orgasmic women, and indeed it often can be related to early sexual abuse (though plenty of women who suffered extreme sexual abuse at even early ages – when it’s most damaging – go on to lead normal, wonderful, orgasmic sex lives… and you should plan to do the same!)
There is a lot of great information about having your first orgasm in the RevolutionarySexForHer program, including coaching from experts who work entirely in that field.
Releasing outcome and focusing on the pleasure itself (as I mention in this video), is an important first step. Sometimes vaginal massage to unblock and release tension related “numbness” is called for.
In the end always remember this: Orgasm happens in the brain, not the vagina or the clitoris. Being emotionally and mentally turned on and safe enough is the key.
Alex, (regarding all your videos)
Your information and delivery reveal a person who not only knows about his subject from first hand experience but also cares about the people he relates to. I deeply appreciate your insights and refreshing openness that maintain a dignity to wonderfully healthy sexual intimacy. So many people online have a sleazy and greedy perspective to their approach on the subject. I turned 60 this year and am enjoying great sex several times a day with my steady and younger girlfriend. The deep connections we share no matter what we are doing are incredible and often, your therapeutic advice is put to use! THANK YOU for being genuine. I support your efforts and would be more than happy to endorse you and your work at any time.
Sincerely and Appreciatively,
Dan
Thanks Dan! I believe you just did!
Sex education should not be from porn alone.
In adolescence kids pick up a lot of bad information from hearsay among their peers. Many parents are closed off to talking much with their kids about it. And some schools teach abstinence only sex education (which always fails).
Porn can be helpful in exploring fantasies. Women need more mental stimulation to get aroused, that’s why they tend to prefer romance novels over play girl magazines. With men mental stimulation can help, and can get us aroused but more the physical and direct imagery are needed to get us off.
I have a very well written book called “The Guide to Getting it on”. Well written book, covers many topics, highly recommend it. Sex is an important skill and important part of your life and being good at it isn’t something you should expect to happen automatically you have to work at it.
Kuddos to Alex Allman.
Hi Alex, Thanks for responding to all these posts. Excellent posts BTW. Perhaps I was a little harsh in my first post. I’ve had the great relationships and I’ve had the nasty ones. But as a professional of over 30 years I keep hearing the same old story about the women. And I HAVE had it happen to me a couple of times. I wasn’t bitter about it, MOF, I kind of felt sorry for them.
The story goes like this. The guy falls in love with the girl, treats her like gold, is successful in business and personal endevores, keeps himself phsyically fit, is basically a “romantic” guy. (Which I think most men are but afraid to admit) Nice home in the country, vacations at the lake, plenty of money, plenty of social angagements, enjoys and contributes to the kids upbringing, etc. In his eyes everything is going along fine. Then one day SHE leaves. The guy didn’t have a clue, she just up and left. Subsequently taking him to the cleaners financially and blaming him for the failed relationship.
It just didn’t matter how good he was, whether he could “stack” her orgasms, do the romantic weekends, provide the good things in life for themselves, none of that mattered. She’s gone. Needless to say he’s left there scratching his head – WTF… Where’d all this come from???
That’s the most common scenario I hear and its happened to me twice. I’m not bitter about that and moved on quite nice after both times but you can’t help but wonder. What’s going on with these women? It makes trusting them rather difficult.
Apparently they can’t handle success, the good things in life. Their self esteem issues will NOT allow them to enjoy the long term “good life” the guys provide. And sure enough it doesn’t take long for the girls to go through the money and be shacked up with some low-life boozer or other substance abuser living in poverty.
For sure I’ve had my share of broken hearts but I’ve also had a good portion of the good times which is where I’m at at the moment again. But isn’t it funny how the bad times always have a woman in there somewhere.
Conclussions: Most ED is caused by wives. Most women have no idea what they want in life. Most women are hung up on sex, think about it much more than men do. Most women have very little regret or remorse and very rarely apologize for their behavior. For sure there are some very fine women but most of them are narcisist requiring men to jump through the hoops because THEY think all us men want is to get laid. Yeah, we want the sex but as any man will tell you it ain’t much good without the rest of it.
Anyway, thanks for the forum and thanks for all the good information you put out Alex. You are indeed one of the best in this catagory.
And girls most of us successful men are pretty darn good people. Don’t let the big bank account blind you…
Ken,
I hear your complaint for sure, im a female in the untrusting department! we are all at risk for our significant others constantly seeking greener grass.. My ex husband came into money and it changed him horribly! the entitlement and control was unbearable so i left. Then met a guy with a large bank account (because that is where i came from) same scenario. Entitled ass, controlling toward me but he was allowed to do whatever he pleased including dating and sleeping around!! some men dont see this behavior in themselves. they just think it is the way they are supposed to be!!
Ken,
Also most ED is not caused by wives! But to high cholesterol, and high blood pressure, which is related to diet of the good life! Women dont generally cheat unless the significant other chooses to wreck their self esteem. Seen it too many times.. seeking outside for validation because spouse feels entitled to demean, demand, belittle, and berate..
Just a little important ED science here, not necessarily directed to those who commented above, for those who might be reading along…
ED is not generally caused by either wives or cholesterol.
Cholesterol: If you have ED when masturbating, alone, see your doctor. This could indeed be a symptom of cardiovascular health problems, including high cholesterol (it could also be a dozen other things that are far less dangerous, and might be entirely psychological)
Wives: Indeed, a wife who constantly undermines your self esteem and then calls you a big wussy for not getting it up fast enough could contribute to your feelings of insecurity that lead to ED… But let’s not forget… it’s YOUR feelings and emotions that lead to the ED, not hers. If you let a woman undermine you that way, I’m going to say that’s your fault too. The reason I say that is not to be cruel or make you bad or wrong, but only to empower YOU to take the level of responsibility for your own emotional condition.
It may be that taking responsibility means cutting this woman (even if she is your wife) out of your life. It maybe that it means having the kind of powerful, grounded, and adult conversation that it takes to get her helping you through your challenge and not throwing herself in your way as an additional obstacle. Sometimes that means doing some deep introspection as to why your own wife would want to be your obstacle. The answer to that might be very enlightening, and may include the simple issue that you blamed her for your ED in the first place and she resents that.
Not only do I find your videos to be compelling, but what’s equally interesting is that your “followers” have something interesting to say.
Hang in there Ken, there’s someone out there for you and Alex, thank you for putting out frank, straight forward information that’s smart and useful, keep it up (no pun intended sorry about that!)
Good one Lisa. “Keep it up”. Got difficult to do in my last marriage. However, I’ve been single since February. Finding a woman has never been a problem (dating two at the moment). Treating them good is the problem. They seem to think you’re a whimp if you’re nice to them and want to have some fun in life.
A little story here: My last wife used to say: “You can’t have your cake and eat it too”. I’d think: “Why not”? With loving care I built the house (on eight acres) that the kitchen is in, that has the stove in it, that has the pots and pans in it to cook the cake in. Hell man, I can even make the cake. I bought the car to get to the store to buy the ingredients. I even bought the frosting. And I did it all with love in my heart so I could eat a cake. Why the hell SHOULDN’T I eat the cake. Why the hell shouldn’t WE eat the cake?
Well, she’s gone now so I’ll remain single so I can continue to “keep it up”. Enjoying the cake…+
Ken, Ken, Ken! I so appreciate your intellect and your willingness, and your obviously good heart. I’m not going to be able to keep up the dialog here as deeply as I’d like, but so many good men feel the way that you do that I need to reply…
First, you simply need to notice how much confirmation bias is working on your perspective here (and for anyone reading along who hasn’t heard of cognitive biases, this is a very important concept, and you should look up “confirmation bias” in Wikipedia… it’s a head spinner).
When you say: “That’s the most common scenario I hear,” and “isn’t it funny how the bad times always have a woman in there somewhere,” what I hope you can really hear and appreciate from me is this:
That is not the most common scenario I hear. That is not at all the way I have experienced the world, and it’s not at all the way my friends experience it. In fact, most of the happiness I see in men’s lives comes from women, and most of the generous, kind, and successful men that I know are very happy in their relationships and have not been dumped over and over again by unappreciative women.
Confirmation bias is a funny thing, and I’m sure we can line up a hundred men who see it your way, and a hundred women who see it as just the opposite: That women can give and give a man everything he wants and they’ll dump you for a younger woman in the end anyway. They’ll say, “men are just more obsessed with sex than women,” and “that’s the most common scenario I hear and it’s happened to me twice,” etc.
It’s like they live in a totally different world, isn’t it?
You seem to have laid out exactly what a woman should want from a man… which is everything that you do… and then you can’t understand why she doesn’t appreciate the pearls you’ve laid before her. I suspect (strongly), that if I spoke to your exes, they’d have a different perspective on why the relationship didn’t work out.
It could be an infinite number of reasons they might give me, but I’m going out on a very un-safe limb here… and I am in no way certain about this… that they would say: “Ken is a great guy, but there was just no space in our relationship for him to hear about how I wanted it to go. He always knows best and I feel like he just can’t even hear it when I have other opinions.”
Just a guess brother.
I know too many incredibly happy and fulfilled couples to see things the way you’d like me to see them. So instead, what I see is that these 2 incredibly self-absorbed and completely lacking-in-gratitude women have 1 thing in common… and that thing is: you.
The deep inquiry I invite you take on is how could it be possible that a great guy, a smart guy, a big-hearted guy with the very best and most generous intentions, could somehow be inadvertently causing women to react to him this way? Or, how can this same smart guy be so bad at choosing women that he always ends up with that type?
These two paths of inquiry will lead to happiness, self-understanding, and recognition of the deepest meaning of being a human.
Alex,
I love your response to Ken’s post…so well written, kind, and full of “tough caring.” I have been looking at how “repetition compulsion” has played a role in my relationships. My understanding of this psychological dynamic is this – I’ll use myself as an example.
I had a loving but emotionally unavailable father who was verbally abusive toward my mother. I felt afraid, rejected and tried hard to get his love and attention. SO, I have unknowingly picked some people as partners who while they seem warm and are not abusive like my Dad, are not able to open up and really get deep emotionally. So, I feel rejected and frustrated and blame them. BUT, it is ME who picked them! Subconsciously, I think I am trying to “master” the issue with my father, but it is impossible when I pick the people I do.
I have to ACCEPT the loss of my father’s love and attention, and look at what I am really afraid of – what if I picked someone who really IS available?! It would be unpredictable (in a good way – but still unpredictable). All the drama distracts me from dealing with the uncertainty and fear of being in brand new territory! As someone who was sexually abused at a very young age, I am terrified of abandonment. I am so afraid to get vulnerable and really let someone in because what if I fall for them and they leave? I am afraid it will catapult me into the feelings of the original trauma.
All the nice things that Ken mentions are just that, nice THINGS and experiences. But the great kitchen, the gifts, the bank account, and the trips can be experienced as flat and empty unless there is emotional intimacy. Sex is great – but without emotional intimacy, for me it gets flat over time, especially when the lust fades. But someone who can look in my eyes and listen with their HEART, who asks questions and really wants to hear the answers, who holds me sometimes without being sexual, who shares honestly with me about feelings and tender places – that person is a keeper!
Thanks for the opportunity to share, Alex and all.
Alex,
I love your response to Ken’s post…so well written, kind, and full of “tough caring.” I have been looking at how “repetition compulsion” has played a role in my relationships. My understanding of this psychological dynamic is this – I’ll use myself as an example.
I had a loving but emotionally unavailable father who was verbally abusive toward my mother. I felt afraid, rejected and tried hard to get his love and attention. SO, I have unknowingly picked some people as partners who while they seem warm and are not abusive like my Dad, are not able to open up and really get deep emotionally. So, I feel rejected and frustrated and blame them. BUT, it is ME who picked them! Subconsciously, I think I am trying to “master” the issue with my father, but it is impossible when I pick the people I do.
I have to ACCEPT the loss of my father’s love and attention, and look at what I am really afraid of – what if I picked someone who really IS available?! It would be unpredictable (in a good way – but still unpredictable). All the drama distracts me from dealing with the uncertainty and fear of being in brand new territory! As someone who was sexually abused at a very young age, I am terrified of abandonment. I am so afraid to get vulnerable and really let someone in because what if I fall for them and they leave? I am afraid it will catapult me into the feelings of the original trauma.
All the nice things that Ken mentions are just that, nice THINGS and experiences. But the great kitchen, the gifts, the bank account, and the trips can be experienced as flat and empty unless there is emotional intimacy. Sex is great – but without emotional intimacy, for me it gets flat over time, especially when the lust fades. But someone who can look in my eyes and listen with their HEART, who asks questions and really wants to hear the answers, who holds me sometimes without being sexual, who shares honestly with me about feelings and tender places – that person is a keeper!
Thanks for the opportunity to share, Alex and all.
Alex,
Thank you for your post to Ken, Amen!!!!
Hi Alex,
I enjoyed your video and feel I learned some things. Although I did masturbate as a small child I have only once achieved orgasm with a man and he was a paying customer, not chosen lover ( when I was 23, I’m now in my 50’s) was in the business for a short while in my 20s which was damaging to me mentally. I’ve been close orgasm many times and what you said about race to the finish really hit home because I always have self-imposed pressure to get there fast, especially if I’m with a man. Which might have something to do with why I never get there…
Sadly I should probably put away my vibrating egg and concentrate on achieving orgasm without it. I can have up to 5 orgasms in very rapid succession using the vibrating egg. Mostly I do it facedown while fantasizing for some ungodly reason I have no idea why. I can do it it’s other positions , it’s just a lot harder.
Currently not in a serious relationship but I have resorted to faking it with the guy I’m with now. Would be horribly embarrassing to admit that and have him help me achieve orgasm with a partner.
Any suggestions ?