I want to share some unexpected science with you about what makes people attractive to the opposite sex.
I’m going to give you some real scientific data, then I’m going to explain that data in a surprising way, and then I’m going to re-explain it in a way that’s even more surprising…
Who’s hotter… these guys?
And that last part is going to be very important to you, because it’s going to give you a powerful tool that is not only going to help you become much more sexually attractive (and who doesn’t want to be more attractive?!), but it’s also going to give you a new sense of freedom and possibility.
Sound like a pretty big promise?
Try me out, because I intend to deliver…
Let’s begin with the data:
In Christian Rudder’s new bestselling book, “Dataclysm”, he reveals some interesting new findings based on the huge amount of anonymous data that is collected about people from the Internet.
…Or these guys?
One of the interesting findings is from a dating site that asks users to “rate” the profiles that they look at (the results of these ratings in this case were hidden from both the person doing the rating and the person being rated– it was just data collection).
Now you may not be surprised to find out that people who were rated roughly AVERAGE (around a 5 on a scale of 10), received the FEWEST contacts and requests, and also ended up going on the fewest dates according to site data. In other words, according to the site metrics, they were the least sexually desirable.
Though it might have been fair to assume the the folks with the LOWEST ratings got the least action, that was not the case.
Here’s where it gets weird:
They also looked at who was getting the MOST action– which profiles had the most clicks, the most requests for contact, the most chats, and the most dates. In other words, who was the MOST sexually attractive?
Was it the ones who were the “hottest”? The 10s?
Nope.
It was ALSO the people who were rated about average.
But how can that be? How is it possible that the most popular individuals, the ones who were most sexually in demand, and the the least popular individual who were the least sexually in demand, both turned out to be average?
The answer is that it was 2 different groups of average people.
One way you could become average would be if almost everyone rated you a 5.
Another way you could become average would be if half the people rated you a 1 and half the people rated you a 10.
And it turns out that the first group — the average average — were the least popular…
And the second group — the POLARIZING average — were the MOST popular. In fact, these people that some users rated highly and others rated low, were far MORE POPULAR THAN PEOPLE THAT EVERYONE RATED HIGHLY.
So it turns out that if you really want to become highly attractive to the opposite sex, you are going to have some people who really don’t think so.
Another way of saying this is that, becoming “perfect” or chasing some ideal of beauty or handsomeness is NOT the best way to become attractive to the opposite sex.
And, by the way, marketers have known this for years. It is well understood by big brands that to win big, you’ve got to become the brand that has rabid fans AND folks that would never go near your product.
Mercedes Benz is not competing with Dodge pickup trucks or Mini Coopers. In fact, all 3 brands have undying fans and haters… The same guy that dreams at night of the big Dodge pickup would die of embarrassment if his friends caught him in the Mini or the Benz.
Now I’m going to re-explain this data one more time… this time, as Frank Sinatra would say, MY WAY…
I believe this points very strongly at something I’ve been saying to you for years:
Authenticity is attractive.
It’s the courage to allow yourself to be your quirky, true self. It’s giving yourself the freedom to be who you really want to be, who you secretly wish you could be, but who you know that SOME PEOPLE will disapprove of.
You have to have the guts to let some people not like you.
And honestly, that’s hard for us humans. We want (and to some degree NEED) the approval of others.
But that drive to be liked and accepted is OVER DEVELOPED in most of us. It begins to take over, and we slowly become the person that we think most people will like. We become increasingly AVERAGE.
This is, for the most part, completely unconscious. We just don’t say things that we think will upset some people. We don’t dress in a way that will make some people uncomfortable, or that some people will say is too geeky, too sexy, too weird, too rocker, too country, too hip hop, too goth, too old fashioned, too… whatever.
The secret sauce of being sexually attractive… to really having a choice of great partners to choose from… is having the guts to really turn off about half the people you meet.
And the root of that is being willing to be real, even at the cost of rejection.
Here’s the cool part:
Once you start down this road of consciously, actively being more authentic, not only do you become more attractive, but it’s also so freeing, so liberating, and so enlivening, that it becomes easier and easier to become even more authentic, and even more attractive.
And if you give it a try, it is going to create even more joy, freedom, and possibility in your life.
I was raised so strictly Catholic always taught to be proper and worry about others opinions. HOW can we do this?
Thank you for the inspiration and the challenge of asking “HOW”…
Everyone is wired up, both biologically and from society to value “fitting in” more than freedom of self expression. The “how” is something you’ve inspired me to dig into more deeply, and talk more about in future posts!
Love it! I just recently had an outstanding day – grounded, solid, confident – going about my business and a woman I’ve had the hots for for over a year now came up to me and was just attracted to me while picking up bacon for dinner.
I didn’t need to read you blog, or some book, was just being myself or as the article says “authentic”. She leaned right into me and I proceeded to get her number.
I haven’t called her yet because I got a little hung up after that and didn’t want to reach out from that place, but this showed me how important it is to take care of myself first and just be me. That that is the foundation for the great sex and relationships I’m wanting with beautiful, voluptuous, healthy, and loving women!
BOOM
BOOM indeed!
So true, but so hard.
Thanks..
Hey William, I want to challenge you on this…
I believe it’s not “hard”… it’s the easiest thing in the world to be who you naturally are. It’s “hard” and VERY STRESSFUL to put on the “average act”.
“Hard” is the wrong word. It’s f**king TERRIFYING. This is entirely an exercise in facing our fears.
You can’t change your ‘averageness’ overnight. Developing a strong identity takes years and a lot of confidence…my coworker John’s a great example of this, and he’s proof of what you just wrote, Alex. About half the women who know him think he’s slimy and douchey looking, with his slicked back black hair and overlyl embroidered Guess shirts. The other half sleep with him. (One person described him as a man-whore, which is accurate.)
Compare that with me, who is a ‘decent’ looking guy who everyone in the company likes. I dress well but pretty mainstream, and I never really offend anyone. How many women do I date? ZERO. I’ve never had a girlfriend in my life, and I’m 37. Slept with a couple women a few years ago, but that’s it. If I was more like John in the overall sense of developing a strong identity by taking risks in life and not being afraid of losing more people’s approval, I’d probably see a lot more action, as you suggested.
But…this all takes years of development. That’s where I’ve missed the boat, and I’m almost middle aged. I just haven’t bothered to change, because I still fear failure and disapproval.
Hey Scott, it does not take years of self development– it takes the rest of your life. There’s no bottom to it. There’s no finish line where you get it perfect. It’s a process, and the process doesn’t take years to begin, it takes ONE MOMENT OF CLEAR-HEADED DECISION.
So, when are you going to begin?
P.S., And the payoff is much bigger than just more sex (especially since your authentic self probably won’t be slimy or douchey, but something that’s still off-putting to some, but FUN and REAL for YOU).
Alex- I’m gonna veer off course a bit for a moment. What do you tell guys who learn much more slowly than most people? Not just with women, but in general. I don’t catch on as quickly as others…when I watch movies, I can’t understand or follow the plot, because I don’t think quickly enough. (I also don’t have enough life context or experience to make sense of what the characters are doing, but that’s a slightly different problem.) I’ve always said my seemingly lower intelligence level is what’s held me back my whole life in every area. I have a shitty job working in a file storage room, and I struggle to understand the more complex things my coworkers talk about. I can’t even fathom having a more challenging, rewarding career/job than this, because I just don’t understand things well enough for that. When it comes to dating, I feel like I’m too slow to ‘get’ how to deal with the complexities of relationships. Thoughts?
Scott, there is something not right here. Unless you are writing this comment on behalf of someone you know who is in that condition, there is a disconnect that can not be ignored.
This email is too well written, displays too much complex thought and analysis of the situation, and generally demonstrates too much intellect to have been written by the person you are are describing.
What am I missing? Or what are YOU missing?
Clearly there is an active and incisive intelligence behind your words. I highly recommend you go see a cognitive or behavior psychologist and find out what’s going on… is this just an odd case of being highly self judgmental, or perhaps some kind of Aspergers that leaves you with some gaps in your understanding? I had a brilliant friend, John, who spoke half a dozen languages, but he simply could not grasp sarcasm. Perhaps there is something going on like that for you?
I believe there is enormous opportunity for you, professionally and socially, if you figure out where the boundaries are of your self-described situation.
I used to see a CBT therapist, and we got nowhere because he just kept telling me to do things I wasn’t really interested in. Yes, there are obviously others out there, but at least the first one didn’t work out.
And I know I can write somewhat articulately and communicate my thoughts. I don’t think that’s my problem…it’s something harder to explain.
Here’s an example for you. Yesterday, I was talking to a friend about selling my car, and I was confused about how I’d get paid if the buyer was taking out a loan. For whatever reason I couldn’t piece together the relationship between the bank, the buyer, and me. I’ve asked this exact same question lots of times in the past. I’d say I lack something called “transaction intelligence,” or I struggle to understand “systems of fairness.” A perfect example is I’m watching a legal proceeding on TV, even something like Judge Judy…I can NEVER follow or understand what’s going on, and I always have to ask someone. I can’t juggle all the moving parts: people’s motives, people misleading each other, people owing each other money, or even “did that person even really do something wrong at all?” It overwhelms and confuses me.
Regarding aspergers, I’ve wondered this myself. But I certainly get sarcasm, since I’m extremely sarcastic myself. Probably not what you were expecting, since I’ve been criticising my social intelligence here so much. But I’m always the last to get a joke, especially if it requires things that are implied or indirect, or jokes that quickly require some bridging gaps from points A to E to get the punchline.
I know this might not make sense to you…I just don’t know how else to explain it. I guess I could summarize by saying I’m easily lost and confused by most somewhat complex situations that require some thought and aren’t “obvious.”
Scott, this is really intriguing stuff. Here are my final thoughts on it…
1) I’m no expert on this kind of situation at all and I’m almost certainly not qualified to help you get to the bottom of it– but SOMEONE IS. If I were you, I’d be searching for who that person is who can either help you develop strategies for dealing with whatever is going on with the way you think– clearly you think a bit differently, but it’s clear that your intellect is not necessarily “inferior” and labeling that way is harmful.
2) Sarcasm or not, it sounds like a form of Aspergers (and again, I’m not expert!)
3) My opinion is that you have it completely WRONG when you say you get confused by complexity. Our communication here is filled with complexity. Limiting yourself from complex intellectual pursuits is probably limiting your life unnecessarily.
You seem well equipped to deal with things that are not obvious and think them through accurately.
You seem well equipped to handle things that are not “obvious”.
In fact, I’d wager that you can clearly see things– things that seem obvious to YOU, that other people struggle to understand.
However, there is subset of situations around fairness and motivation, that for some reason, don’t compute in your brain– but these things are probably not difficult for you because of any “complexity” because other people are labeling them “obvious.”
e.g., Judge Judy’s audience is folks who struggle learning how to tie their shoes without missing their drool cups… so obviously nothing going on there is “complex”. In fact, it’s “obvious” to others. So whatever cognitive blind spot you’ve got going, it isn’t a lack of intelligence or complex thought, and therefore it should be possible for you to develop strategies to work around it and lead a fuller life.
I powerfully hope you continue to seek them out!
@Scott:
1) You ever try neurofeedback or neuroimaging? Those might help. I don’t know much myself and am just learning about the whole field myself. I’m planning on going to a semi-local facility for some QEEG and getting a real map of the brain, coming up soon in Jan. Then, based on that, I might even get some neurofeedback sessions afterwards and fine-tune things. We’ll see how it goes. All the CBT is fine IF the brain itself is working right in the first place, such that it only needs thought-pattern tuning. But if the brain function itself is jacked (too active in some areas and underactive in others, lesions, cysts, tumors, previous damage, etc) then CBT is about as helpful as talking to your car trying to get it to start when it actually needs a mechanical tune-up.
2) Make sure you’re NOT eating bad oils (deep-fried, vegetable-based, or rancid) and eating lots of good oils (organic coconut/flax/olive oils, butter, or animal fats.) Those help neuro-development. Your brain is MADE in large part of saturated fat!
3) Everything is relative in life. For example, I’m a shorter dude. If I date 7-foot tall women then I’m the “midget” in the relationship. If I date 4-foot tall women, then I’m the “giant.” That’s an analogy for you: Just hang out with dumber women and you’ll be a “genius” in comparison!
I hope it helps bro!
Hell yeah Alex – I agree it is so much harder to put on the act. I can feel the stress you speak of when I get stuck there and yes, it fucking terrifying!
I was so scared to call this girl up because she is actually the kind of woman I dream of (at least seems so on the surface and feeling I get) who has a job, seems to take care of herself and be so feminine and interesting as far as I know so far and I don’t really know her. My last 2 girlfriends were both hard core drug and sex addicts – hella fun and absolutely outstanding slutty sex that was rich beyond my wildest dreams in unique ways with both these women – but this is way more scary because it pushes up against the conditioning of actually being worthy of a healthy women who takes care of herself and also has love and warmth in her heart in addition to being a total slut. I want both!
It’s a long story, but I know for myself that what Alex says is right on based on my experience and from exploring deep emotional growth work previously.
Another BOOM!
Love it Scott! I agree and the work pays off in the development you speak of. I can attest to this and there is no magic bullet it’s all step by step.
The caliber of women I’m choosing and attracted to is different than it was 2 years ago – even if I never call the girl I wrote about here on Alex’s blog I’m hot for I know just from the experience out getting bacon I spoke of showed me I’m growing and attracting better women and more of what I really want into my life even though I’m scared of the things I really want because of the responsibility that comes with money, women, health, etc.
Cheers!
Lovely, so true :D… good to hear re. the 1-10 thing….
In the words of a really great teacher upon hearing my commitment to being authentic ” nothing will ever feel the same again and… hold on tight you’re in for a wild ride”
Very interesting science, Alex. Thanks! It take a special effort to not be afraid of being yourself and putting off half the people.
Good Shit!
Seems legit…thank you!
After reading that I feel inspired to be more ‘me’.. I have been afraid of being ‘myself’ for the very reasons you describe, I’m so afraid of people not liking me (I want everyone’s approval) that I don’t say or do the things I want to do.
In other words, I don’t let anyone see the real me. How can I have a relationship if ‘I’ don’t show up?
Lisa, it is most definitely legit. And the good news is that you have awareness around your fear of being yourself– most people don’t even recognize it because they’ve been doing it so long that they they’ve convinced themselves that it’s the truth of who they are. You’re way ahead of them.
The difficulty that you may have to get past is that some people WILL start to reject you when you let yourself be your self! But the ones that don’t will gravitate closer to you and bond with you more authentically.
Wow, thanks Alex! Everyone tells you it’s so important to be yourself, and then they tell you it’s important to be your BEST self. So if you listen to enough stifled co-workers or headstrong women who are ‘holding court’ you can get the mistaken idea that you have to emulate Malibu Ken, or some idiotic frat-boy ideal (not to slam on guys who were in college fraternities). Not for me. I am usually thrilled to hear I am different, or ‘one in a million,’ etc. Somehow I don’t feel as though I take it far enough often enough.
Great blog!
Mick
This is awesome, man. Love how mature ur teachings r, as opposed to the PUA stuff I got lost in back in the day. I just found out that a girl totally decided to not want to know me just because I ran with a porn joke that SHE started.. sh figured I was some sexual deviant, but really I was just having fun with something I found funny. It IS important to be mindful of women’s fears of objectification and abuse, but I’m not going to censor my humor just cuz she’s paranoid!
I actually wrote a song about this very subject called “Hand grenade afraid to explode” – I’ve been focused on the subject of true self expression for years… I’ve defined a spectrum u may find useful, where one extreme is disregard of other’s opinions ( “child” where ur free, but ur a d*ck) and the other extreme is need for approval ( “boring adult” where ur accepted, but ur dead inside) – this is a helpful spectrum so that people have a reference point for course correction. Use this if u like, and ‘ve got plenty more if u wanna pitch n catch ideas 🙂
Thx for the reminder. As radical as I am, I still need pokes here n there to keep being me, even tho people straight up alienate themselves from me… and even REJOICE when it happens! Be thankful that I’m distinguished enough to have haters
Hey Justin, I like your distinction. Adding your ideas, my perspective is slightly different:
One extreme is disregard and childish, the middle step is overly mindful of the approval of others and often begins around puberty when we discover that there is something to be ashamed of with our sexuality. PAST THAT it is possible to not care about other’s approval or acceptance while have EMPATHY for where they are on their own journey.
The way this plays out in real life is that you run with the porn joke and she is offended, and you don’t back off to make her like you, but you have compassion, understanding, and acceptance of her position without judgement. In that situation you might smile, apologize gently and authentically for her feelings with a squeeze on the hand and move on. Chances are she’ll re-find you and apologize herself for her self-righteousness.
If you are really enjoying her, you might go deeper and acknowledge her bad feelings and ask where they come from when a moment ago you were joking. If you are truly non-needy of her approval AND non-judgmental of her offense, you will likely end up in a deep conversation about where the wiring for that offense came from and who she is beneath it. Intimacy (sexual or otherwise), follows behind that.
In my experience, any emotional charge in conversation is an opportunity to go deeper, and deeper is where the best stuff is found.
YES, haha that’s awesome how your processing is a developmental model whereas mine is a balance model. both r true, but from possibly equally beneficial perspectives. I didn’t complete mine.. by saying that the sweet spot in the middle of the 2 extremes (d*ck child & p*ssy adult) is the wise sage, where the yang and yin of disregard and insecure equilibrate to form Mindfully Free Expression. – Mine’s a balance of yin/yang – yours is a progression of maturity – complementary truths. cool sh*t 🙂 I’m takin notes!
We actually did dig deeper, as, thx to a mutual friend, we saw each other at a concert, had a great time, then I brought it up after… exchanged a hundred texts or so… I do love your focus on the word EMPATHY – as I’ve struggled with this… feeling like she’s a hypocrite for saying that I “lacked tact” and should have known that porn was too touchy a subject for someone i just met, while SHE IS JUST AS RESPONSIBLE to express that she is not comfortable IN THAT MOMENT. It’s not my fault she chose to protect rather than express, or is it?
“smile, apologize gently and authentically for her feelings with a squeeze on the hand and move on” – DAMN that’s good! that’s what I’m working for… true empathy.. I got so caught up trying to convince her to admit that she was at fault too, that it ended up in an argument, cuz she just wouldn’t admit it. I think it’s hypocritical for her to tell me I should have done something different and she can’t admit that she could have done something different too. She expects me to KNOW, but I can’t expect her to SPEAK. – Either one would have saved the interaction.
I empathize with her, I told her I get why she did what she did. But she can’t empathize with me, and get why I didn’t know what she would do. I don’t want to deal with someone like that, she’s the victim, she’s myopic, and I feel really judgmental, but at the same time, I feel rightfully just in saying this… that she’s not worth my time if she’s just going to throw me away anytime she’s not able to speak that she feels uncomfortable.
Lol sorry for the novel. This one’s been buggin me.. I’ve written 5 pages to myelf tryin to sort this one out.. and you’re the first, rare, guy that I’ve talked to that could actually give sound advice on the matter. And I was just commenting at first to say badass post! Behold! Karma DOES exist! haha 😉 thx a bunch man.. love the Interviews, especially ?Any La La? I believe.
Hey Justin, I think the key here for you is to examine the word “fault” and figure out what that means (or doesn’t mean).
You might begin by figuring out if it’s “right” or “wrong” to talk about porn with a woman. You might, after long consideration, come to the conclusion that it is a matter of opinion and not fact, that it is a matter of subject emotion, not empirical science, and if you’ve considered it long enough, you might actually find that the terms “right” and “wrong” applied to pretty much anything but math equations, are simply expressions of of perspective.
From there empathy is just the act of making an effort to understand her perspective. Agreement isn’t necessary, and disagreement doesn’t lead to “fault”.
In fact, from here, you may discover that the word “fault” also has little if any meaning. If we take it to mean a cause for an effect, then the fault could also lie with being humans, with her upbringing, with your upbringing, with the existence of porn, with varying degrees of sexual shame, with the fact that there’s life on planet Earth… If you can declare ANYTHING at fault, then what’s the point?
Here’s the big question: Why is it important that you agree?
Awesome. We’re definitely in agreement. I’m very aware of the subjective/relativism of fault, good, bad, right, wrong, evil, righteous, attractive, fetish, etc.
“From there empathy is just the act of making an effort to understand her perspective.” I have done this. I told her I understand her. I get that she was protecting herself from a perceived danger. The problem is, she isn’t willing to do the same for me. She thinks it’s my fault, my “lack of tact”, that prevented our friendship When it’s just as true that her “lack of communication” kept us from our intent. She assumed I was a danger. .Lack of “formal” etiquette does not imply lack of maturity.She’s not willing to grow and admit that she could from now on ask “What else could this mean?” when something questionable happens.
I believe disagreement does include fault. Sure we could go back and examine all the things that lead her to make that decision and get lost in a Sam Harris loop of cause and effect, but bottom line, the present decision must be considered and dealt with. We can’t institute everyone to a mental hospital and relieve them of fault.
I think fault = context + intent(relative aspect). If it was just my intent, that would be different, but OUR intent was to be friends, the context was a new friendship. Fault lies in both our hands… for the intent was not attained… ofcourse, her intent was coupled with safety… this makes it trickier… When people don’t know how to handle something, they tend to avoid it… she just needs to learn how to handle it, she has room to improve just as i do..
“Why is it important that you agree?”. Because I believe in a mature relationship, both parties are able to own responsibility for their actions. I currently perceive her as childish, unwilling to grow and develop, therefore stagnating. But most importantly, someone who just throws a person away, instead of speaking up, is no friend of mine.
Do you think I’m being too rigid? This sounds right to me… It troubles me seeing her get along with other people, like I’m some stickler, but really, I’ve seen how loyal she is…and sticking with your authenticity subject, I have to make peace with truly not wanting to know someone. Just have to get really real about what’s true to me. Thx for your time and care brother. Some say I think too much 🙂 Until they read my wisdom material 😉 It’s a process…
On the matter of interpretation, people may contact the profiles who were consistently rated highest less because more of them considered the person “out of their league”, and felt likely to be rejected. The same reason why attractive women with low self-esteem so often go out with authentic assholes. Interesting subject, with so many dimensions.
Hi Frank, I really enjoyed your contributions here– I felt compelled to reply to this one. It’s my perspective that attractive women (even those with low self esteem) very rarely end up with assholes. Most women with choice end up with men who have a lot going for them. But when an attractive woman ends up with an authentic asshole it is so confronting that it makes a huge impression on us, and it’s hard to shake it off. It’s like the news that Kylie Jenner is set to become the youngest self-made billionaire… it just feels so unjust that it’s hard not to make it represent more than it does.
Fantastic post, Alex! As always! Authenticity – truly a Wonderful trait to find in others and in oneself. Which also seems to require the courage and willingness to be vulnerable – a pretty scary place to be sometimes. And yet, when one truly is that open and authentic (and therefore vulnerable) it’s much easier for others to connect to you because it is there, in that authentic place, that our true beauty emerges and others can see it and connect to it (if you are their cup of tea, and if you’re not, who cares – you wouldn’t much want to be with them, either!)
I have found that I dress more sexy sometimes (not flaunting my wares but wearing snug clothes that accentuate a nice figure) than most people in my town and I do feel that I’m more attractive than most. I feel good in my clothes and that good feeling exudes from me – that’s probably the more attractive part – my feeling vs. my clothes. And it does feel very freeing to travel in the world with the knowing that you’re you and you like it!
Thank you again for your phenomenal wisdom. You light up the world with it!
Awesome post. I am going to start being me in my relationship which is dying after 5 years. I stopped being authentic probably after 2 maybe 3years. I going to see whether i can turn the relationdhip around by getting back to me. If not then at least i go down being me. Thank you alex
One way to prove this, is to analyze the dating gurus and ask which of them has consistent success with EVERY archetype of woman. Let me know when you find the first one!!
Heck, I knew anecdotally of a man who would say “Nice shoes! Wanna f$*& ?” He wasn’t worried that it would offend over 90% of the women he said it to. Guess what?? When it did work, it worked *great*!
I have had my hair at different lengths over the years. The same hairstyle that one woman said “more than 90% of women won’t like” was really hot for another one…. scratch that… three others.
Same situation with how direct to be. If you have the energy behind it, you have nothing to fear by being direct. In fact, if you really do have the energy behind it, it’s in your best interest to be direct. Otherwise, you’re not being authentic. Like Alex said, authenticity is hot!!
Why does that jerk that you despise get girls?? Because he really IS a jerk. Don’t be a fake jerk. If you’re a good guy, be a REAL good guy! Own it, and some hot girl will love it!
hi..Alex
I just want to say thank you…I bought some of your courses and I loved them so much…in some how they change my personality in a very positive way …you gave me the courage to remove and crash mask that I was wearing
you made me more real and Authentic person…and i love myself even more now because im Authentic and real and I don’t have behave in certain way just to please others or hold things that I want to say then end up feeling resentful later
and this is what I admire most in you Alex
————
here is my question alex about the Authenticity ? ( when her waves crashed )
how do I respond to a women insecure questions when her waves crashed ( as u know women emotions is like waves some times it goes up and sometimes crashed and it takes time to get back up again )
Im reading women phycology books now and this question came to my mind
when her waves crashed …she start to ask question like
( do u love me ) ? ( promise me that u will not leave me ) ? ( are u gone married me ) ?
it will hurt her If I answer …in authentic way ….what do you think ?
There are many different ways to respond to insecurity in a lover.
One is with empathy and reassurance. Another might be to have a conversation to help her reach the root cause of why she is feeling insecure…
Sometimes it turns out that there was something very specific that you did that made her doubt your affection, and then you can clear up that misunderstanding, or realize that you could be more mindful of giving her what she needs. Personally, I like a LOT of attention, and that might not be comfortable for every lover. Fortunately my wife likes a lot of attention too, so we get along great– but you can see where that could lead to insecurity if it’s a one way street.
Now in your case, it sounds like there is something specific that is making her insecure: You are lying to her.
Yes, of course it will hurt her if the authentic answer to “do you love me” or “promise you will never leave me” is: “No.”
There are three things you might consider here that may be helpful to you…
1) Is there something inherently “wrong” with her being hurt? Everyone hurts sometimes. It is a natural human emotion, part of how we grow, part of how we experience the world, and part of the price for living with an open heart. We all get hurt and in this case, the hurt might be very good medicine for her, because obviously she should either be managing her expectations of the relationship or leaving you, so that she can move on to find someone who is willing to invest and love her.
2) Is it possible that by being inauthentic now, you are just putting her in a state of anxiety that is also hurtful, and that in the end, she’ll end up being hurt even more? Now she must contend with both her hurt when it’s over and the humiliation that has been lied to for some period of time when she thought that you reciprocated her feelings.
3) Is there a loving way for you to answer her authentically that validates her feelings, demonstrates to her that you value her humanity and her feelings, and also sticks with what is authentic for you? I’ll bet there is. And yes, it may hurt her anyway. There’s nothing to be afraid of there.
Good stuff man, enjoyed the above advice on authentically, compassionately, hurting someone.
As for your answer to mine yesterday…
Lol sorry for the novel below. This one’s been buggin me.. I’ve written 5 pages to myself tryin’ to sort this one out.. and you’re the first, rare, guy that I’ve talked to that could actually give sound advice on the matter. And I was just commenting at first to say badass post! Behold! Karma DOES exist! haha 😉 thx a bunch man.. love the Interviews, especially ?Any La La? I believe…
YES, that’s awesome how your processing is a developmental model whereas mine is a balance model. both r true, but from possibly equally beneficial perspectives. I didn’t complete mine.. by saying that the sweet spot in the middle of the 2 extremes (d*ck child & p*ssy adult) is the wise sage, where the yang and yin of disregard and insecure equilibrate to form Mindfully Free Expression. – Mine’s a balance of yin/yang – yours is a progression of maturity – complementary truths. cool sh*t 🙂 I’m takin notes!
We actually did dig deeper, as, thx to a mutual friend, we saw each other at a concert, had a great time, then I brought it up after… exchanged a hundred texts or so… I do love your focus on the word EMPATHY – as I’ve struggled with this… feeling like she’s a hypocrite for saying that I “lacked tact” and should have known that porn was too touchy a subject for someone i just met, while SHE IS JUST AS RESPONSIBLE to express that she is not comfortable IN THAT MOMENT. It’s not my fault she chose to protect rather than express, or is it? I’ve met others who were just fine with the subject from the get-go.
“smile, apologize gently and authentically for her feelings with a squeeze on the hand and move on” – DAMN that’s good! that’s what I’m working for… true empathy.. I got so caught up trying to convince her to admit that she was at fault too, that it ended up in an argument, cuz she just wouldn’t admit it. I think it’s hypocritical for her to tell me I should have done something different and she can’t admit that she could have done something different too. She expects me to KNOW, but I can’t expect her to SPEAK. – Either one would have saved the interaction.
I empathize with her, I told her I get why she did what she did. But she can’t empathize with me, and get why I didn’t know what she would do. I don’t want to deal with someone like that, she’s the victim, she’s myopic, and I feel really judgmental, but at the same time, I feel rightfully just in saying this… that she’s not worth my time if she’s just going to throw me away anytime she’s not able to speak that she feels uncomfortable.
Brilliant post Alex as always.
Your coaching is instructive for us all. Thankyou.
Thank you Alex. This was an affirmation that I am on the right path. I’ve been telling a lot of my friends and followers that your personality is perfectly designed to attract those that you need, and repel those that you don’t. I recently made a promise to myself that I wasn’t going to hold myself back anymore. That I was going to be 100% unapologetically myself, no matter who it offended. If I question an action, I follow through with it more confidently. I recently reunited with a woman that I thought I had no chance with initially, and ended up having the best night of my life! You worded this so perfectly, that it felt like the universe speaking to me. You are a great man Alex. Your actions ripple on into eternity.
thank you for this, such a great reminder and challenge to be authentic.
Alex, the concept of “being oneself” is one I think about a lot. Do we determine “who we are” through our decisions and actions, or does “who we are” determine our decisions and actions? Can we form “who we are” consciously, or is this pre-determined through subconscious thought processes that we have no control over? To what extent are we products of our environment? For example, say you are really into painting. Does your love of painting determine “who you are”, or did “your real you” cause to love painting? It’s basically like a chicken-egg conundrum that I’ve thought about a lot. How much control do we really have over “being ourselves”? Do we have any control at all? To make it even more complex, I hear of accepting people for their little flaws or shortcomings, that that’s just “them”. Well, is that true? Are those little flaws or shortcomings really them just “being themselves”, something that is part of “their real selves”, or is it something they can fix because they have control over “who they are”?
I hope you understood all that. It’s just one big conundrum I’ve never really heard anyone address. Has that question ever occurred to you? I know you are planning on writing more on this authenticity idea, but I would like you to cover this particular point, because I think it’s important to determine this very important, very fundamental concept because that’s how one knows HOW to “be their true selves”, to have that authenticity you speak of. They have to understand that before they can actually do it I feel. What do you think?
Hi Euronymous, these are wonderful questions and you are on a great path. KEEP GOING!
When I was younger I used ponder questions like these and then I discovered something important: A gigantic number of super-smart humans have been thinking through the same questions for thousands of years and have come up with some important answers.
When you say, “It’s just one big conundrum I’ve never really heard anyone address,” it is because you have not looked very hard!
A guy named Sigmund Freud wrote extensively about it, as did the ancient Greeks 2 thousand years before him, not to mention The Buddha, and great Eastern philosophers like Nisargadatta (I highly recommend his book, “I Am That”).
While I’m recommending, you might also look up the French psychoanalyst philosopher Lacan. He was a student of Freud and dug very deeply into the nature of identity in ways that you have not considered.
Also I recommend that you check out a course given by Landmark Education called “The Forum”. They offer it in cities all over the place and it’s a fantastic experience that will change your life. It is somewhat controversial because it’s got some “cultish” elements, but it’s well worth it, and it offers you the chance to spend 3 days being led through a contemplation of who you are and why you are the way you are based on the work of Werner Erhard.
Not only is Werner a genius– he didn’t “go it alone” the way you are. He stood on the shoulders of the giants that I’ve just mentioned (and many others) and studied their work deeply before forming his own ideas.
Thx for the recommendations man… ain’t heard of 3 of those…and sorry for the excessively long reply earlier 🙂 Wasn’t sure how much time you were willing to share… just the same way with the porn girl… I just be me and find out what happens… then change me accordingly.
I realllllly like this subject if you couldn’t tell. And so did Bruce Lee, so it MUST be cool!
Euronymous – We are much alike as I’ve wrestled with this one for quite some time as well. My thoughts if you care to hear them: I believe the answer isn’t either/or. I believe it’s both/and. You are the sum of everything you’ve experienced. You are programmed. Yet you can change a program anytime you like, if you know how. You can have a british accent. You can be 007 suave. You can be insecurity free. You can even change yourself into the other sex now with the advancement of science.
You are currently what you’ve consistently thought you could be and the environment allowed. And one day you will be what today you consistently think you can be and the environment allows. – the key is consistently – – *shoulds and *ought to’s are usually not as consistent as the prevailing program. That’s why Tony Robbins teaches *musts. A *must persists past the gravitational pull of a subconscious program.
Same goes for people and their flaws… they are currently all they could be with their past knowledge, understanding, awareness, and environment. They can improve.. if they want it. But it’s our job as compassionate creatures to love them as they *are* even if they don’t.
Good shit? Hope you like it dude! Years of deep study to pull that outta my ass at 1am haha 🙂
Thanks a lot for the inspiration, Alex!
Incredible insight. It is in fact something I want to try doing more. I am myself in many ways, in many areas of life, with many people. Nonetheless I am average with a lot of people and a lot of situations still. I challenge myself here to go explore the edges of moving outside the average in these situations, in order to explore more and more of what you refer to as “who you wish you secretly could be”.
I love this. This is gold for singles and for people in monogamous relationships.
Thanks a lot!
I’ve been gradually coming to understanding and *acting from* the truth this article explains lately thanks largely to studying some of the best “gurus” out there like you Alex. A “work in progress” deal of course. The way I’ve been thinking of this that makes sense to me is that when you’re interacting with someone you REALLY want to want you and be in a relationship with, but you’re afraid your quirks, your likes, your beliefs, the Oddball that you are in truth would push them away completely…
The reality is if you’re RIGHT about that, then that MEANS there’s just nothing there of substance between you two on that level. You’re lusting after a mirage. Move on realizing there is an ABUNDANCE of other potential satisfying partners out there waiting for you…
Because even if I pretend to be a different person who will attract her, and succeed – the fact is I simply wouldn’t be able to maintain that untruth, later revealing I’m not what she wants and thought I was, and then the relationship would collapse, adding pain to my life experience worse than simply being patient through a time of loneliness. And I wouldn’t even have been genuinely happy IN it anyway!
I like the business brand examples too – reminds me of the key principle your friend The Great Eben Pagan teaches on how to choose a market to create a new product for or start a business in: Narrow Your Niche…
Say a personal trainer wants to create an online weight loss/fitness course since he knows he has the quality knowledge to be successful. So what does he start thinking of course? “Let me make a product about How I Can Teach ANYONE To Achieve Fast Weight Loss” because I know my stuff DOES work for everyone and I want as many people as possible to know I can help them so they’ll all buy and my new product will boom.”
Instead of realizing that over the years he’s **especially** been able to help women over 40 who are married with children and usually can’t/won’t spend more than 20 minutes any given day exercising; so much so that he’s known in his city for it and 90% of his clients ARE such ladies…
So if he made and marketed, “How You Can Lose Weight Fast and Impress Your Husband In a Bikini Again Even If You Are Over 40 With Demanding Kids and Barely Any Time To Exercise” – He would TURN OFF MOST of the world of people wanting to lose weight, BUT sell metric tons more to those he can actually help *specifically* because he’s talking directly to them! …It’s the same basic principle in my view.
We all would do well to embrace the process of Being Real and accepting being polarizing as a natural positive side-effect of that. But with the caveat of pursuing self-development at the same time rather than just lazily expecting anyone to like and accept a crappy version of You. Then paradoxically, we end up with MORE, not less. What a world.
I don’t have much trouble being this way with women anymore, and it works of course, but I guess I’m still afraid of possible consequences of living this way openly in other areas of my life, like with family. What if family will reject you over being an authentic You that turns out to be contrary to their beliefs or culture? A bigger topic maybe than to go under the Revolutionary Sex heading, but it’s all so interconnected…
Thanks for another great post boss.
Unfortunately, most people’s “authentic” personality is still average anyway. By definition of the word “average.”
Fortunately, it only takes one (or a handful) of people to connect with before a person’s social/dating/activity calendar is full anyway, so no big deal.
The secret to not caring what people think is just go through some really really hard times and find out that almost nobody will be there to help you when you could really use the help. Then you quit caring instantly. In fact, you quit caring what people think of you when you realize that 99% of them aren’t even thinking of you at any time anyway, and half of the remaining one percent are thinking of you so that they can plot against you and hold you back, get your promotion insteaad, take your stuff, whatever harm they can do instead of help they can provide (“haters”), or have completely misconstrued who you even are in the first place and just selfishly want THIER void filled or THEIR dream fulfilled (“infatuators”), or are just crazy (“crazy”). Being “popular” with all those people is a complete waste of your time.
Find your path in life, follow it, and then along the way take notice of the remaining handful of people who 1) care what you think AND 2) take ACTION on your best interests…and THEN finally you can care what THOSE people think. The rest of the average/non-average people don’t matter. At all. Find YOUR “average.”
(P.S. Alex: you got some sort of HTML italic-closer missing from in your article, thus making half of the whole thing end up being in italics…yes, I’m a perfectionist, and I’m good with it.)
Awesome outlook on things. In fact, reading this makes me realize why I seem to have so many people that either hate me or love me, and it doesn’t seem to be in between s much (you might even say I am a polarizing person, as the article says). Im one of those dudes who has always either scored with women, or had them come out of it completely disliking me. Ive always viewed it as a negative, but now this makes me realize that maybe by having the courage to not give a shit and be authentic, and be true to myself and my people is in fact a strength. Thanks Alex, really intriguing.
Interesting reading, because having been on and off dating sites for several years, and being rated probably between a seven and ten, AND being quite quirky, always authentic (I don’t know any other way to be), very humorous and having lots of sex appeal, fun and funny….. all I seem to attract are men who are emotionally unavailable, and/or players just out looking for easy sex. Don’t worry, I didn’t shag them all, I dodged many many bullets. Got conned a couple of times, dated a few men who had no idea what they wanted, a few who were fresh out of long term/committed relationships and were really only on dating sites to gain validation from women (unbeknown to them) and were still not over their ex’s.
Interesting thing is, chatting to other women in my demograph (late 40’s – late 50’s, in the largest city in New Zealand) they also report the very same findings.
As it happens, I have met probably the nicest man in over 30 years recently, from another town. Early days, great connection. Pray for me, I’ve been single (with some dating thrown in there to break the drought) 10 years….. I soooo deserve a good man and have lots to offer.
Thanks for all the great practical information, the man I mentioned above has read a lot of your material, and now enjoys a fulfilling sex life. However, it’s about to get better … *wink wink*
Also great advice for people with codependent tendencies. One more reason to drop that bullshit from your life and be who you want to be, instead of trying to please others all the time. Thanks !
I guess the point of authenticity is that not everyone’s going to appreciate yours 🙂
Soy una persona mayor, no mal parecido, vivo con mi mujer hace 47 años, pero no estamos casados, estoy divorciado de una mujer anterior y tengo 3 hijas ya grandes, alrededor de los 50 años, el motivo de la consulta es que hace 20 años o algo más que mi mujer un día me dice que no habrá más sexo, respeté su condición y me fuí arreglando con mujeres, pero pagando, lo cierto es que a pesar de mi edad sigo teniendo necesidad de sexo y sea por la edad o por mi aspecto, no consigo mujeres para tener sexo, que puedo hacer sin necesidad de autosatisfacerme, agradezco un consejo, y los aludo con afecto.- Danilo.-
Hi Danilo, google translate says that you wrote:
I am an older person, not bad looking, I live with my wife 47 years ago, but we are not married, I am divorced from a previous woman and I have 3 already great daughters, around 50 years old, the reason for the consultation is that 20 years or something more than my wife one day tells me that there will be no more sex, I respected her condition and I went arranging with women, but paying, the truth is that despite my age I still need sex and be age or Because of my appearance, I can not get women to have sex, what I can do without needing to satisfy myself, I appreciate advice, and I allude with affection. – Danilo.
Here’s my quick thoughts on the matter:
1) I’d talk more to your wife about it. I think it’s worth finding out why she isn’t getting what she wants out of the sex, and to figure out how to make it a win for her. I’d tell her, in respect and humility and loving partnership, that you still have sexual needs, that you love her, and that you’d like to keep those needs within the marriage. You might check out my Passion & Attraction That Lasts (https://alexallman.life/passion), but it’s in English… She probably does want tenderness and connection and touching, if only you can show up as the man that she wants it with– who doesn’t try to make sex about a transaction or about just getting your needs met without regard to hers.
2) Or… maybe she has reached a conclusion from which she is unwilling to move at her age. And in that case, perhaps paying for it is not the worst option. As long as it’s a fair deal transacted by two consenting adults who each get what they want/need from the agreement, it seems like a workable solution if it’s not too frequent, affordable, and if you are very, very careful with condoms and protection, as sex with strangers can definitely lead to some serious complications if you’re not careful.
3) You are probably wrong about your inability to attract women. First, most women are more attracted to older men. In the best study on the subject, women are more likely to be attracted to older men when they are higher in social status, more attractive, or earn more money. Now, I’ll admit, that if you have a 50 year old daughter, you might be older than most women would find optimum! But that doesn’t mean that no women would be interested! There are quite a few women in their 50s, 60s, and 70s that are lonely, looking for companionship, and who are very much sexually active and looking for a mature, caring, emotionally stable, (and maybe even a bit skilled!) sex partner.
I’ve found it most attractive to be able to disagree, even pointedly, without being disagreeable, lest one confuse being obnoxious with being authentic. That’s only authentic if one IS obnoxious — which may be more attractive than being a faceless ass-kisser, but not as attractive to as many people as being authentic in a more likeable and less arrogant way, in which case if people don’t like you because of your tastes or points of view it’s *their* problem.
Another interesting takeaway from this very on point observation is the importance of interpreting statistics properly. “Average” ain’t necessarily average.
Alex, I am a doctor and a perpetual student. This is one of the most profound articles that I have ever read!
Thanks for sharing!
Al