One of the most important things that people screw up when it comes to sexual attraction is the “sexual” part.
Whether you are a woman or a man, if you are uncomfortable with your sexuality and you are hiding your sexuality in an interaction with a person of the opposite sex, you will be sending subtle but powerful signals to the person you are talking to that you are not interested…
When you are hiding your sexuality as a woman the interaction feels cold and lacks that sweet, fun, and flirtatious energy that gives a man confidence to enjoy himself with you. It makes him feel his own insecurities more acutely.
As a man, when you are hiding your sexuality, it brings up her shame and misgivings and causes her to hide her feminine radiance.
In both cases, it makes you uncomfortable to even be around.
When you do the work to get comfortable (through practice) with being a sexual creature, you will find that interactions have more energy, possibility, fun, and ease… and you’ll also discover that you become much more attractive and successful with the opposite sex.
Gosh, Alex,
You said it’s not hard to be approached by a man if you’re a realitivly attractive woman.
Well I think I am and have been told by several people both men and women, you know I can’t remember the last time a guy even tried to strike up a conversation with me much less ask me out, I’m not sure what’s going on. I’m open, I smile a lot and I’m comfortable with who I am, however I am over 40 I look pretty young and take good care of myself, but nothing.
I’d really like to meet someone close to my age and who also takes care of himself.
However I think they all want to date 20 year olds.
I’m confused.
Well Lori, the unpleasant truth of the matter is that biology has some say on this issue that all of our best intentions and higher values must compete with: As animals, males are wired to be sexually attracted to fertility. As a consequence, women who are the most fertile, 14-23ish, will attract the most sexual attention. That’s vexing for both 14 and 40 year olds.
And that said, we are far more than just our biology. I know MANY men who are far more attracted to older women than younger women. In fact, just about the most handsome man that I personally know is completely disinterested in women under 35. He says that they are fine to look at, but he just doesn’t enjoy their company and is disinterested in them sexually. I’ve known him for 10 years now, as he went from 32-42, and he’s always dated women older than himself.
The reality is that the market is still smaller for women over 40, and that sucks. The drop in attention can be extremely unsettling. But given the enormous number of men in the world, there are still zillions out there, from “cougar hunter” 22 year olds, to older gentlemen with a previous family not wishing to date a woman who is still looking to start a new family… from men in search of a fling to men in search of true love.
Based on that it seems to me that you might not be spending time in the right places, or there’s something else that you’re putting out “energetically” that you’re not aware of.
Really powerful stuff Alex as always it’s a pleasure to hear you speak so freely and openly.
It’s always reassuring listening to you speak Alex, I don’t have any mentors I can learn from around here but every time I hear you speak I internally say,,, YEAH ! this guy is speaking my language and all those things that I know about my own ability and my own sexuality just gets reborn. Thats the word I’m feeling, reborn, to feel completely comfortable in your own manly skin, to own your desires and to have them ever present whilst being a gentleman. Confidence is so important and giving yourself permission to f’up when your not quite getting it. Give yourself a slap on the back, smile and a little self love and try again, this is such a genuine thing to do for a man. When you’re genuine you become authentic and that to a woman is reassuring, trustful and can pave the way for a genuine turn on for women.
I spend every work day, talking to and interacting with beautiful women half my age, I’m 56, in those interactions I need to be mindful and be a gentleman. There’s a little teasing and some genuine conversation but there is nothing better than finding a woman who’s over 40, still young at heart, cheeky, sexy but with that extra something that younger women don’t posses yet, maturity and a deep rich life experience gained femininity. Sadly, I’ve only found one of those in 2 years, the older I get the higher the bar is raised and the less I feel attracted to most women. I think I’m gettin fussy..lol
You know Paul, inside of every woman is that perfect, feminine and divine creature that is the object of our complete love and adoration–it’s just that every woman has layers of crap on top that we need to crack through to see it clearly, and with some women it’s such a thick layer that we just aren’t up to task of excavating her truth. And with some few women, we just happen to be born as the perfect key to fit the lock that opens her.
But like the princess locked in the castle, every woman is yearning for that man who knows how to set her free. (Though it certainly doesn’t always seem that way!)
Likewise, we play our role in that dance with equal blindness, hoping for that woman who calls forth our greatness, who will kiss our frog nature and bring forth the wise King that is the potential inside of every man.
Anyway, sounds to me like you’re well accustomed to living as the King.
And also, thank you for this first paragraph. There is no greater gift you can give another human than making them feel seen in their best light, and I’m grateful for it.
It’s great stuff, Alex. You seemed to get on a bit of roll – shame to see it come to an abrupt end!
I love the honesty…
Hey Alex, so are you saying that if a man approaches a woman and feels sexual shame then a woman can pick up on it and feel her own sexual shame and so she doesn’t say yes to him? (I was a bit confused at the end of the video). And conversely, if he is more open to his own sexual nature when approaching a woman, she will more likely be open to saying yes to him? You said there was a difficulty in the approach as well, because women like to feel safe to say yes to a man. How then can a man resolve this issue of needing to stay open sexually and yet not being too sexually open so she doesn’t feel safe. Are you saying that things like humour, wit, artistry etc. are ways of doing this?
Yes Leila, I’m saying that when a man feels sexual shame, women pick up on it and feel weird around him. Saying “yes” to sex feels uncomfortable.
The physical expression of a man feeling shame about his own sexuality is that he tries to hide it in his interaction. He pretends that he’s not that interested, he complements your purse and wants to buy you a drink because he thinks he needs to make a value exchange for your attention because his sexuality is not worthy of your attention. You begin to feel creeped out…
It feels “unsafe” because you can feel that he’s hiding something–regardless of whether he is open or subtle about his sexual intentions.
Conversely, when he feels good and empowered in his own sexuality, he can approach feeling like he something worthy to share with you as an equal. He can feel the possibility of fun beneath every part of the courtship and doesn’t need to hide that.
A man can be sexually open, e.g., “how about we go back to my place and get naked?” under either of those above circumstances. In the first, it will feel creepy because HE feels creepy himself. He feels he has no right to ask and that he’d be TAKING something from you if you said “Yes!”. The second man, it would feel safe because he’s not trying to take anything, he’s trying to share something.
The man who feels ashamed of his sexuality will take “no,” badly because it triggers his shame. He feels caught in the lie of trying to deceive you into bed and might be pouty or angry.
The man who feels worthy and empowered in his sexuality takes “no,” as either a minor disappointment or a challenge. You haven’t called his integrity into question, he has nothing to be ashamed of. He takes it as either a difference in physical preference or a “not yet,” and comfortably continues the conversation.
As for things like humor, wit, and artistry, they are merely attractive characteristics that can be obscured when a man is feely sexual shame. I do not by any means mean to say that they are ways of hiding sexual intention.
So how does a person get to “feeling worthy” if you never have? It’s easy to lean on, “I’m not worthy because the history of women’s reactions to me is telling me I’m not.”
Hawley, if you never figure out the answer to any other question in life, I advise you to work to get to the bottom of that one.
I’ll tell you that I have never met someone who had it 100%. But if you could feel just 5% more worthiness your life would change globally in ways that would blow your mind.
Nathaniel Brandon, the guy that invested the term, “self esteem,” has written many books on the subject.
I created an entire program on Self Esteem that is petty kick-ass, but not currently up for sale (I haven’t had a chance to get the tech and the logistics set up, though I have added it as a bonus to other programs).
Anthony Robbins is great too, obviously, and you could even seek therapy or a coach.
Here’s something you can start with that will yield powerful and ongoing results:
Start a morning ritual around gratitude. Here’s mine:
1) 10 Conscious breaths, clearing my mind of chatter and feeling my body, the room, the present moment
2) Write down 5 things I’m grateful for in my life RIGHT NOW. At least one should be something tiny, present, and related to my state in the moment– the view outside, the feeling of the sun on my face, the privilege of even having the time and presence to take 10 conscious breaths…
3) Take 10 more conscious breaths allowing myself to really emotionally and somatically FEEL the gratitude of one of the 5 things that I wrote down so that I can saturate myself in my blessings.
You will be surprised at how much more worthy you will feel when you feel lucky to be you.
Very intellegent, thoughtful comments.
Thanks for the “R” rating warning on your video…so I’ll pass.
I have worked many years to purify my heart …and prefer to keep it that way.
Vulgarity hardens one’s heart.
Love and vulgarity are mutually exclusive
This is what I touched on before exactly the men shut that feminine energy the even tells us they just live when they don’t validate it by coming trough with their sexual confidence to recieve and go with ot…it makes us feel like why did he even start if he wasn’t going to keep going well we know why he couldn’t resist any tips on this type of man its very frustrating