If you’ve ever had someone cheat on you, then you know the sickening pain, anger, and humiliation that it can cause.
Betrayal is one of the worst things a human can experience, whether that be in romantic relationship, business, friendship, or politics.
And yet, as humans, we are very much wired to be sneaky, and the cheater usually has a long list of important facts that justify their actions. In fact, from their perspective, very often, they don’t even think it was cheating to begin with!
What causes infidelity?
I’ll begin by saying, it’s a very complex issue and there is rarely only a single cause. And while I’m going to talk about a particular dynamic that I think encourages cheating (and it’s justification in the mind of the cheater), I want to be clear: It’s more complicated than this blog post.
The number one cause of sexual infidelity is sexual dissatisfaction. People want more of something, sexually, and eventually they begin to feel like they are “missing out” on something important, and they find it elsewhere.
Based on this, you can “cheat-proof” your partner simply by ensuring that you are sexually satisfying them on every level (and this is far more than just the ability to give them orgasms).
Shameless plug for my programs goes here: Seriously, get Revolutionary Sex if you’re not confident about this.
But not everyone who is sexually dissatisfied cheats. There is another factor that lies at the root cause of most cases of infidelity, and it’s something that the betrayed partner is doing:
Jealousy.
One of the complex issues here is that if you are afraid that your partner might be cheating, maybe that’s because they really are cheating, or thinking about cheating. Maybe you are entirely justified in your suspicions.
Or… As I’m about to explain, maybe your suspicions are causing them to become the type of person who cheats… on YOU.
Now I know I’m going to get an avalanche of angry emails:
Cheaters have no integrity!
They are the ones who are lying!
You are blaming the victim!
It’s the fault of the one who broke their word!
Noted.
And I’ll gently suggest that while that is certainly true, it is also true that you have lied and broken your word on numerous occasions, and many times directly to the face of someone you love.
How do I know?
Because, other than the google-bot that spiders the internet reading everything, chances are, if you are reading this, you are a human. And humans lie, break their word, and are not capable of perfect integrity all the time.
Your lover is also a human. Humans are flawed and have emotions, and like all humans they can go through phases in their life where they are completely dependable, and phases that they look back on think, “wow, I can’t believe I behaved that way.”
And jealousy and suspicion could be a very strong factor in leading your lover to do something that they later regret.
Here’s why:
The very first time you are a little jealous, and you say something to your lover, you are punishing them for something they didn’t think was wrong or bad.
It could be very subtle: You notice her giggling and playing with her hair when she’s talking to the handsome bartender… You notice him checking out that woman’s breasts at the party… you feel a little zing of fear and you make little comment.
And that little comment feels yucky. There’s some emotional unpleasantness linked to my enjoying looking at those breasts. There’s a little emotional hurtfulness linked to your laughing at the bartender’s jokes.
Quickly forgotten and no big deal, but…
The next time your man sees those breasts, he’s going to try to hide it from you in order to avoid that negative emotion. He knows you don’t like it. He thinks you can’t handle it. The next time your woman is having innocent fun with a handsome man at the bar, she’s going to stop and pretend she wasn’t having fun when you walk into the room. She’s going to pretend she isn’t interested in that joke if you are around, because you can’t handle it.
Now you walk into the room and, you’re not sure, but it FEELS LIKE your lover is trying to hide something from you (they are), and so you are a bit suspicious. “What are you hiding?”
They say “nothing!” because from their perspective it really was basically nothing, AND because you just proved to them that it was a good idea to hide it from you, you’re obviously being jealous and suspicious for no reason!
If this happens a few more times (and it will), eventually you will catch them in the act. They say, “nothing!” and you say, “but I just saw you!” And now, from YOUR perspective, you have just caught them in a lie. Fight ensues.
They still feel like they are only protecting you and themselves from an emotionally negative experience over nothing.
You feel like they are being less than perfectly honest with you.
And now you are even more vigilant.
“Did that guy try to get your phone number? No? How can I be sure when I caught you in that lie just last week!”
Now your lover has even more reason to hide things from you, and now you have even more powerful feelings that something is being hidden from you.
Your lover no longer feels they are safe to express the full range of their sexual emotions and desires with you because you might judge them or become even more suspicious. They feel trapped and lonely and desperate.
“I haven’t done anything wrong, but you disapprove of me. I feel like I can’t be myself when you are in the room.”
Put a human in chains and they will have an insatiable drive towards freedom.
Eventually they may discover that the only way to feel that freedom is with someone else.
The sneaky difficulty of this cycle is that it can start with the smallest, tiniest, long-forgotten little moment when you were feeling a bit insecure and made some little jealous remark. It can start because, seriously, your completely un-trustable husband/wife was in fact trying to sneak off with that person in their office and you noticed… or it can just as easily start when you saw them talking to an old friend and misunderstood something that didn’t even happen.
All of us have occasional moments of attraction or mini-flirtations with people other than our lover. That’s what it is to be a human. All of us have occasional moments of insecurity.
The trick is to recognize, afterwards, that insecurity and projection are not your lover’s responsibility, but your own. If you said something, apologize.
They’ll say, “oh, silly, that was no big deal!” But they’ll also feel, deep in their bones, “I get to be free and I get to be me when you are around.”
And that is a very good feeling.
Remember that it’s okay for both you, and your lover, to be human.
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Wow what a big eye opener.
You have to trust your partner. If you can’t trust them you have to ask yourself is it because they aren’t trustworthy or is it because you have some issues to deal with yourself? If it’s because they aren’t trustworthy then you’re probably with the wrong person. If it’s your own issues then realize that you’re more likely to get cheated on if you’re really worried about it and are always suspiciously asking your partner who’s calling or texting them, who they’re with, etc. People are like monkeys… They won’t let go of one branch until they’ve got a firm grip on the next. Now this is not the only reason people cheat and not all people do this but a lot of the time if people cheat it is because they’re feeling smothered by their partner who’s trying to control their life and are unhappy in their relationship but are afraid to end the relationship because they are afraid to be alone or single… Even for a little while.
I feel that there is also an element of self-fulfilling prophecy involved. When a person feels that they are not being trusted, then untrustworthy behaviour, e.g. cheating feels justified.
Yes, exactly. I’m catching the blame anyway, I may as well enjoy it.
This is a great topic. Suspicious, jealous partners can suck the joy right out of your relationship (and life). I am talking about the lovers that are suspicious of every little encounter you have with the opposite sex. Obviously there are men and women who have a very good reason to be suspicious (although, I would ask them why they are wasting their time with a knowingly unfaithful partner). But, often it is just a reflection of their own insecurity. And, insecure people are unattractive. Plus, if they are very good at manipulating the situation, they can make their girlfriend/boyfriend really believe that they are “bad” for whatever it is they did. Then, both parties feel rotten and the downward spiral ensues.
Something to try when you notice your girl is getting a lot of attention from some fella: when you get her alone say, “It is going to kill him when you leave with me tonight.” Or, “Poor bastard, he’ll only get to think about you naked later tonight, I get the real thing.” For the ladies who notice that their guy has some woman cooing and batting her lashes at him, pull your man aside and whisper in his ear, “her husband should thank you when she shags him later.”
Maybe this is a little too ornery for some, but you get the idea. Let your lover know that you are confident in yourself, you trust them, and that, in essence, you are proud to be with them b/c you know everyone else thinks he/she is as attractive and engaging as you do so, of course, they want to try to get close to them.
Great advice!
Really it is a matter of owning your own emotions. Being honest with your insecurity will make a world of difference. Furthermore, letting go of expectations( primarily held by one individual) would keep things in better perspective for both partners
Thank you Reggie, this is exactly right. The difficulty is that as humans, some emotions can feel overwhelming or be difficult to confront. Jealousy can lead to fear can lead to shame can lead to anger can lead to projection and blame in the blink of an eye.
However, if you can “own your emotions,” as you say, your relationships will be dramatically easier and more harmonious.
We know that around 50% of people in relationships ‘cheat’ then maybe the problem isn’t so-called ‘cheating’ – maybe the problem is monogamy.
Or maybe there isn’t any problem.
Some folks enjoy monogamy, some enjoy polyamory… and some just like to be single and dating and fooling around.
But no matter what lifestyle you choose there will be wonderful times and hard times, deep satisfaction and heart-breaking frustration. There is no lifestyle choice where suddenly everything is easy and problem free. This is the way it is to be a human.
True – in reality the only relationship type 90% of people will consider or even be aware of is 1 on 1 monogamy for the duration of the relationship…….Often boredom ensues or the desire to simply experience another person arises after a time……Eventually many people will seek new experiences, even if they feel deeply bonded to their partner and truly love them.
There are virtually no models in popular culture or broader for society for people to relate to other than monogamy.
Men who want to live in another way are often labelled as ‘players’ etc even if they are open and honest. Women are equally labelled as sluts.
In many cases men and women ‘cheat’ just because they want sex with other partners. Many men and women don’t need a reason to have sex outside of their relationship other than they enjoy it a lot.
Inevitably in a lot of cases this leads to lies and hypocrisy. If you love your partner but know that telling them that you enjoy sex with other people is going to hurt them – you are in a bind. You feel the need to cover up to preserve the relationship. In reality this is why people lie – not because they feel that they did something wrong – but to preserve their partners feelings. You can be open and honest but you have to be willing to allow the other person to leave the relationship.
Once you past that feeling can it ever be saved?
YES. But it requires both partners to sit down and have a deep, even sacred conversation about the nature of love, their expectations of each other, and the new relationship that is possible between them if they are both willing to co-create it together.
It is possible that in this conversation it may emerge that one partner is not willing, that too much suspicion and mistrust has damaged their ability to be attracted to the other partner any longer. Truth is a serious undertaking with serious consequences.
I deeply believe that the price of truth is always worth it. That if truth leads to completing a relationship so that you are free to create something better and wiser the next time around, that you will look back with gratitude that you ended things as authentic friends being honest with each other.
But is also possible, and I have seen it happen time and again, that a couple who love each other can re-create the “source code” of their relationship and live in deeper satisfaction, harmony, passion, and love than they ever imagined.
Wonderful Alex. What you say is rational and compassionate. A really important piece of work. I’d have loved to encounter this thinking earlier in my relational life. But then again, would I have been adult enough to use it productively? I’m hoping that it will inform my therapeutic work with couples as I am able to internalise it.
You are “So Right!” The dynamics of “jealousy” and “hiding” is very Real. My girlfriend and I are deeply involved in this cycle, and it is hurting our relationship … we cannot move forward. One of the most, if not the most, important point that you mentioned is the fact that we are “human.” This fact seems so simple, yet, it is so difficult for most of us to grasp. As people, men and women, we are wired differently, and have certain inclinations. This does not mean that we are going to cheat. It does mean, though, that we are complex and that what may seem simple to one of us (male/female) is not so simple to the other.
Thank you for such an important article writing.
You’re welcome Charles. And I completely agree: One of the most important distinctions that I’ve made in my own relationship, and with everyone that I personally coach, is that until you get okay with the fact that both you and your partner are humans and not ideals, you can never truly surrender completely into love.
Insecurity is the problem itself that causes all these other chain-reactions of dysfunction. Just get over your insecurity in the first place and the entire issue goes away. I don’t care who/what my lady friends are attracted to, flirt with, etc. They are free to do what they want, and I’d rather they be open about it than try to hide it. I’m confident and secure enough in of myself to handle whatever they throw at me. If I’m not enough for them, then that’s it: I’m not enough, and they should go get what they want. I’ll be just fine with or without anyone, and find more ladies to replace them if I choose to. There’s only like 3 billion of them on planet Earth. Abundance-thinking…NOT scarcity thinking. Never force it. I’ll help them find other guys even. It’s all good. What’s not good is shadiness and wussiness. Be honest with others, and more importantly: with yourself.
I have had the same issue with insecure and other relationship problems because I was afraid of being cheated on. But, Lately, I have learned that I can stop the issue by being honest and forward with my partner. She knows that I have not talked to any other women, but she gets insecure because she will catch other girls looking at me. I always ensure her that I am only wanting her and nothing more. And, I have focus on showing her that I appreciate and trust her by not looking at other women, and talking to them at all (Except my family members). Mostly, She will play with me like “Look at that girl, she has a fat ass and she looks hot and she looked you up and down” and I would say ” Yeah, but all she has is a ass, that’s it. I am still with you no matter what happens” and she smiles afterwards. And, Later that day, I would catch a guy staring at her and say ” Look, you have an admirer ” and she would be ” Yeah, but he is ugly “, and I would be like ” So, he obliviously likes you and I appreciate that because I know someone else thinks that your the bomb” and she laughs and we continue the conversation from there. I am 21 years old and my girl is 19 about to turn 20 and we are both college students, and we just want things to be right and smooth so that marriage is a opportunity and possibly. So, Alex, I enjoy this article and have a question, is anything wrong that I have writing here that needs improvement ?
Dominique, it sounds to me like you have a loving and playful relationship and that you are doing way more right than wrong!
And here’s my advice:
– There is no such thing as “wrong”, just things that will get you better results than others.
– There’s ALWAYS room for improvement. It never gets perfect!
– I love that you two are working on being honest with each other. For a couple that are 20 and 19, you are KICKING ASS! And, of course, you can take a deep breath and go even deeper with your honesty.
For example, you can go ahead and stop avoiding talking to other women, and then lovingly, patiently deal with your girl’s jealousy until she knows that you are so trustable that she no longer worries about talking. You can be honest when you find other women attractive. She doesn’t have to say that that other guy is “ugly”. You can allow that as biological humans, we DO have sexual desire for others, but that as humans we are also capable of taking that desire and channeling it into each other if we desire a strong, monogamous commitment.
Thank you, Alex Allman. I appreciated the advice.
This is a very interesting topic and I think there are no real solutions saying ” yes I will do that”. We as men and women are only humans and like to feel desired by the opposite sex, we dress to what we feel comfortable and try to look our best to impress. The lack of communication between partners is probably the major problem and the cause of cheating. I have cheated and been cheated on and see it from both angles.
Having a partner, lover or spouse who does not cheat requires finding someone who shares your core beliefs.(Of course this means one of YOUR core beliefs is monogamy) Take the time to ask the questions to see if the one you are with shares your beliefs and it will save you the pain of many troubles, including cheating. My poor wife went under lots of scrutiny due to past failed relationships. I’ve read a lot of the books claiming humans are not designed to be monogamous and determined it’s true, if that’s what one believes. Contrary, if one believes humans are made to be monogamous, they most certainly will be throughout their life, if they are true to their core beliefs.
Yep, so true Mick. I have an enormous number of friends who live in San Francisco where, it seems, polyamory is considered normal and monogamy is a leftover vestige of Victorian repression based on possessiveness and low self-esteem.
But when I observe their relationships it’s clear to me that humans were not designed to be polyamorous either. Their relationships are not more (and no less) successful, happy, nourishing, or loving.
It seems that humans are not “designed” to be either monogamous or poly, but rather these are simply choices.
Adultery = Breaking Covenant. Fornication = unlawful sex, evidently there is lawful sex-(out side of marriage). Instruction for adults and children are the difference between night and day, Biblicaly speaking. What is unlawful? There is a list somewhere back there, you don’t do your sister, or uncles wife or Daddy’s new wife, neighbors wife don’t recall them all, little boys, however, you add them all up that is only about 10% ? of the population, leaves a whole lot of fair game. The misunderstanding between a contract and a covenant is the problem.
I’m at the point of last resort (make or break) to seek counselling with my partner as I cannot go on anymore. My resentment and anger has gotton so bad and unhealthy that I can’t resolve issues with my man any longer.
After spending the last two years of being rejected sexual I have gone through every emotion every scenario of what n why it is this way. I have been on a roller coaster ride of hell and I’m ready to jump of. First 9 month I was pregnant and he he couldn’t tell me why he didn’t want to have sex, said he didn’t know why himself. It has continued on now for a total of 2 years and I’m lucky to have sex once every 4-6 weeks and has never satisfied me.
I have had many conversations about the lack of sexual intimacy and also about telling him what I like and positions that work for me. I have talked about triggers on my body thati find a turn on and forplay, build up before getting to the act. At first he would just continue to do as he always had and my communication had been totally disregarded. So I had a period of just doing the act and being left “high n dry” wet actually and I ended up having the conversation again letting him know that it is an issue for me. I want him to attempt to touch my clit to make me climax not just touch it when he wants extra lube and stops.
So he started to make efforts only onthe occasions when I would bring up that its still an issue. I would direct him by moving his hand over a bit or change angles and he would start complaining about it. Making the experience horrible and a straight turn off. He told me that he doesn’t like to be told what to do?!? I explained to him that we need communication to work on this. I have explained that it will take time and patience and experimenting but we will get there if we try regularly esp over the time when I’m most horny which is just after finishing my period, which last for about 10 days.
I wants sex everyday and sometime more than once a day. But I would be happy with once or twice a week once we’ve got our sexual sinque in place.
I told him today that I have been having thoughts for a while now about cheating so I can have my sexual needs met 🙁
We are going to start counselling ASAP! Else I have to move on! I cannot keep masterbating while his alseep in bed next to me and feeling alone and unwanted, I would rather be alone and as I have been before. I had more orgasms whole I was single with my toys and hand than I have in this relationship.
I have had long term relationships before and know what it’s like for the man to explore your entire body and work out your every trigger and create build up and have you to the point of begging them to enter you and both enjoy ever minute of it and each other. I miss this so much!!!!!!!
Hi Tracey, I’m sorry that you are in such a painful situation.
We can’t control the other humans in our lives or what they do. We can only control ourselves.
Most of the time other people tell us exactly who they are in the first 5 minutes that we know them, and all to often we let wishful thinking make us believe that they are actually different or that they will change or that we can fix them.
You want a lot of sex, and he does not. It’s possible that counseling can fix this, and it’s also possible that you have to explore other options.
My experience is that Alex is right on the money with this one. It´s a self fulfilling prophecy of doom to become suspicious of your partners behaviour and begin responding in a possessive and therefore oppressive manner. I like the part about apologising, since being human I´ve found myself often having to apologise for my own insecure behaviour, all the time wishing that I´d just had the power to control myself in the first place. I hope that apology is as effective as Alex says….
An apology is not always effective, but at least it’s honest. You will find yourself more powerful, more attractive, and more at ease with who you are when you own your stuff and strive to be a better man. Of course, you already know that because you are that guy.
The important “and also” here, that you may already get, but I want to state for anyone reading along, is that apologizing and noticing our own insecure behaviors is not a reason for self-criticism or getting down on yourself.
We are all human and we will never reach the place of “perfect self esteem.” It’s an on-going practice that just keeps getting better and better, that makes us increasingly attractive to ourselves and the opposite sex, and that is best undertaken with a sense of humor and a smile.
This is only a tiny part of the story.
It only describes overly jealous type personality. You can make the exact opposite argument; Re, if you are unclear about your expectations from your partner and act as if nothing bother you, they will think that nothing bothers you, and cheat.
The answer is somewhere in the middle. You should not be overly jealous but you should also be very clear about your emotions.
Btw, my wife cheat on me and not because any of those two reasons described in the article.
Hi Al, you are quite correct that there are many other reasons and factors that might lead to cheating. I just want to briefly add in that you “act as if nothing bothers you,” then you are acting.
You cannot expect to have an authentic relationship with someone you are “acting” with, and can have no expectations that they will be honest with you when you are not being honest with them.
I am not suggesting that anyone “hide” jealousy, but rather own it and be vulnerable about it, rather than blame your partner. Once it’s out in the open you can both laugh about it, play with it, even use it to fuel your mutual turn on.
How do I handle this? My man has never been in love before and spent his entire life cheating with other women because the marriages he had were for other reasons example for business reasons networking or because he got her pregnant. Those women were not even interested in sex with him so he had sex outside of the house all the time. He is age 70 very sexy and virile. Now,with me, he told me that if we were to establish a permanent relationship he would still cheat because he has always done so and because he likes variety and he would continue to do it until he could not do it anymore. He just wanted me to know that.
But with us we would have a very sexual relationship and I like variety and I have great ideas more than he does, because I have been exposed to very young men who are adventurous. Do you think he is a man that would end up being monogamous if I would give him the variety he claims he wants? Or do you think it’s just an ego thing that he needs to know that he can go out and do this and get other women and boost his ego? What is it? Or should I just tell him that I would do the same thing and we would have an open marriage? But what if he gets emotionally involved with one of them and it ends up not just being sex? How do I handle this one?
Hi Elana, absolutely nobody on Earth can tell you how to “handle this one,” or what your appropriate course of action is.
I will tell you this much: If a man tells you that he does not want to be monogamous, it would not be wise to not take him at his word!
There is absolutely no reason for him to “cheat” on you. He’s telling you he won’t be monogamous, so the only option you have is an open relationship or polyamory. Monogamy takes two. If you want monogamy, it will be with a different man.
As for him falling for one of the other women he is involved in… it is really the same risk that every person who has ever been in love must take. Nobody can know for certain that love will last forever or that one partner won’t meet someone else. We take it on faith. Faith in our partner, faith in the relationship, and faith in ourselves… but most of all, faith in our capacity to survive and thrive in the reality that all things come to an end, whether “death do us part,” or some other circumstance.
I have been an active part of the swinger, tantra, polyamorous environment for the last 4 years. Wildly experimenting with sexuality and also emotions. ..
Many of the comments as well as Alex’s words are surely right. Self confidence, self confidence, self confidence. … that’s all.
All the self development advices can be boiled down to.
1. A firm and bold and never wandering look-into-her-eyes. Even with the best looking supermodel.
2. A hard and reliable dick, when you get that far.
3. Remember that female sexuality is more explosive than yours. Create that safe place where she can dance on the tables, party wild with that sexy costume or even be the center of a gang bang. Never, never judge her.
How do I handle this? My man has never been in love before and spent his entire life cheating with other women because the marriages he had were for other reasons example for business reasons networking or because he got her pregnant. Those women were not even interested in sex with him so he had sex outside of the house all the time. He is age 70 very sexy and virile. I am also 70. We had been together as teens and in out 20’s. Now,with me, he told me that if we were to move into a permanent relationship he would still cheat because he has always done so and because he likes variety and he would continue to do it until he could not do it anymore. He just wanted me to know that.
But with us we would have a very sexual relationship and I like variety and I have great ideas more than he does, because I have been exposed to very young men who are adventurous. Do you think he is a man that would end up being monogamous if I would give him the variety he claims he wants? Or do you think it’s just an ego thing that he needs to know that he can go out and do this and get other women and boost his ego? What is it? Or should I just tell him that I would do the same thing and we would have an open marriage? But what if he gets emotionally involved with one of them and it ends up not just being sex? How do I handle this one?
How do I handle this? My man has never been in love before and spent his entire life cheating with other women because the marriages he had were for other reasons example for business reasons networking or because he got her pregnant. Those women were not even interested in sex so he had sex outside of the house all the time. He is age 70 very sexy and virile. I am 70. We were together as teens and then in our 20s but something happened and I ended up getting married. A long story. And we are now back together again after many years Now,with me, he told me that if we were to establish a permanent relationship he would still cheat because he has always done so and because he likes variety and he would continue to do it until he could not do it anymore. He just wanted me to know that.
But with us we would have a very sexual relationship and I like variety and I have great ideas more than he does, because I have been exposed to very young men who are adventurous. Do you think he is a man that would end up being monogamous if I would give him the variety he claims he wants? Or do you think it’s just an ego thing that he needs to know that he can go out and do this and get other women and boost his ego? What is it? Or should I just tell him that I would do the same thing and we would have an open marriage? But what if he gets emotionally involved with one of them and it ends up not just being sex? How do I handle this one?
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I had an opposite situation. I was very lassies faire with being jealous. I never have been, and never wanted to be. The first time I encouraged my wife to make more friends outside me (she’s very introverted), she became friends with someone at work and it led to an emotional affair. She came to me about it, we worked on us, and things got better for a bit.
Enter a pair of “friends” named “J” (female) and “M” (male). Originally we were all hanging out together, but my wife started spending more time with them apart from me. Again, it was fine; I’m not possessive or jealous. However, they would get to drinking, and then all sorts of things would happen over there without me knowing. I found out one day when she stayed the entire night over there (said she was too drunk to come home), and the next day, came home with two hickies, one on either side of her neck.
At that point, my suspicions and the slightly nagging bit of jealousy/worry I felt made PERFECT sense to me, and I started to gather all the evidence I could; downloaded phone messages/checked records, checked texts and everything. I waited a couple weeks before confronting her about it, and it almost ended our marriage.
Oral sex was as far as it ever got, and it was infuriating and humiliating to have my wife break our agreement, which was no other partners while we were still working on our relationship and bringing it back together where it needed to be. One of the things that she said made her feel “justified” about what she was doing was that I didn’t immediately say something about the hickeys on her neck; made her feel like I didn’t care and she was able to continue on with impunity. 2 years later, and we’ve reconciled, and things are much, MUCH better than they had been in years, but it still stings me every once in a while.
So, a healthy amount of jealousy isn’t a bad thing; marriages and people need boundaries. Mine big boundary now is she cannot get drunk in an intimate setting without me there anymore. Not going to happen.
Without boundaries in the relationship, your partner will lose respect for you and the heart and eyes will start straying.
Alex you’ve said basically every thing I have felt and bern going through for years. No one is perfect and it is human to enjoy one another. But it doesn’t mean you have to stop living because you’ve met someone and you’re now in a relationship. The best thing in the world can be the ability to be free and open. But when the day you feel you have to hide and are limited in your communication, where else do you turn? You hit the nail on the head. I’ll be first to say in my experience and learning that there’s no honor in cheating but it best to know who you choose as a partner. Great work Alex!
We started off in a long distance relationship and were very sexually active although he didn’t respond to my needs. I thought that when we decided to move in it we be reguar and we could have time to work on it, but I fell pregnant and that was the end of our sex life as I stated above.
I have booked a sex therapist for Tuesday (once a week for four weeks) to work out our issues. I will keep you updated!?!
Another great article!
I would go a bit further: Sexual dissatisfaction and jealousy are rather symptoms of something much deeper.
Sometimes people cheat because it’s culturally acceptable, or out of frustration. This can be worked out, because the love is there, people just miss on communication or relationship skills.
But what I believe the main reason why people cheat is that their heart is no longer stirred, because they do not love or they do not feel fully loved by their partner. Hence the sexual dissatisfaction, hence the jealousy. There is this deep drive in each one of us, to feel love, to be “one”, to no longer feel alone, separated from the world. When you are in love, every sexual encounter is magic. When you are in love, there is no fear, there is no jealousy. Just listen to Katie Melua – “No Fear of Heights” she describes this beautifully.
Of course, love can come and go, and you can fall in and out of love with your partner infinitely.
Don’t settle for anything less than love, and always take care of your heart!
I have been married, to the same woman for 30 years. Monogomous. The only time true temptation ever crept up on me was when I was only seen in a negative light. Stress was a factor and I was on the bitter end of everything. I responded one day with, “Well if I am that bad and you are not happy with anything I do, please do not let me stand in your way of achieving happiness.” The mature woman’s light came on. I am lucky she realized that a relationship can not grow in constant negativity. People have always used the cop-out that people can not have a monogomous relationship. Be each others cheerleader, accentuate the positive, hold hands, kiss often, help out and do not create a situation for cheating to flourish and monogomy can be achieved. If a partner is happy with their partner and believes the other partner is happy with them, cheating does not stand a chance.
Insecurity is a huge problem. The way I see things today the biggest problem is that there are no boundaries. Meaning whether your married or dating or living with someone guys will make a move and take a chance. Now hopefully you have a strong enough relationship to survive this onslaught. But many times they catch you at the right moment and that is the beginning of the end
Two teens wanted to marry. Parents thought to young, ask Apostle Paul about it, and his reply,”If you let them get married there is going to be turmoil, if you do not let them get married there is going to be turmoil.” So take your pick. Tracey should get permission from husband for needs to be meet, which opens the door for husband to do the same. If discrete, poor child never know until old enough to understand. If not turmoil is turmoil.
Thanks Alex for a very informative article. Dominique and Ernie together have expressed the key to stopping or at least making cheating highly improbable. In my opinion Dominique treated with his girlfriend’s insecurities in a kind and loving way. It was not about “hey you go and deal with your own insecurities”. Not at all. Instead, he provided continual reassurance to his girlfriend whenever insecurity reared its head in his relationship. As a result she became
more trusting of him and seems to have overcome her insecurities or at least have them sufficiently diluted to poke some fun at them.
Dominique’s approach reflects the essence of genuine love and caring. It is not easy for anyone who is insecure (oftentimes due to adolescent developmental issues and/or later failed relationships causing deep seated wounds) to just get over it. If he/she has a loving partner then it becomes so much easier to overcome. It is about showing genuine love and appreciation for one’s partner. This is the single most effective deterrent to unfaithfulness.
This is exemplified by Ernie in his account of his monogamous marriage of 30 years which almost became derailed because of the foolish attitude/behaviour of his wife who kept putting him down and being very negative with him.
Happily she became aware of what she was doing and quickly changed course. Again it is about expressing genuine love, appreciation and support for one’s significant other.
Regardless of views expressed to the contrary in this forum, no one likes being cheated on. And the stronger the love is the more pain is felt when cheating occurs.
We as humans can learn to be monogamous even though we( particularly men) have every natural impulse to be otherwise. A genuine loving and caring partner provide the pathway to that happy state.
Jesse
You know, there is ego, social context, attractiveness, competition (Well, everyone else is doing it), etc. I have had a girlfriend where I didn’t even care if she was seeing an undergrad during the week – she knew I was the best over the weekend and I could count on it. Didn’t bother me at all. I had another one that gave me the standard, “Oh I’m staying in and washing my hair tonight, why don’t you wait til next week?” (I had a 35 mile drive). I had a key to her apartment, so I checked, and she wasn’t home, so I let myself in and waited. She nearly called the police on me when she got home in the wee hours all disheveled and sweaty, but the look on her face was so priceless, I’ll never forget it – what a perfect moment!. (We’re still on speaking terms, at a distance, 40 years later – nothing wrong with a ballsy chick!). One of the most unpleasant things I have sensed is when a girl seems to be pretty experienced, and maybe you fall pretty hard for her, so she tones it down so she doesn’t hurt your feelings, and acts nicer than she is. Because she senses value in you,, and doesn’t want to blow it, but you figure out later that she didn’t think you could handle hanging loose – you hear her laugh in a more sarcastic way with a more “mature” friend, thinking you were out of earshot. And then you have to decide, well, should I enjoy the ride for now, or just bug out? Or how ’bout when your girlfriend is gone for the summer, and her even shapelier friend hits on you, and you’ve been pals for some time anyway? That gets into the good ol’ polyamory thing (hippie free love).
One of those two examples is my wife, the other is meeting us with her husband to go camping tomorrow – and the example was from 40 years ago, too. You have to be pretty good to make that work, but it can be done, especially if you’re not too concerned about your ability to find someone new if you have too. Be strong, my friends!
The connection timed out while I was writing – that’s so heartwarming. A stable relationship can handle polyamory – it’s tough, but it can be done. Sometimes if it gets around that you’re really hot in bed, as in “stamina”, it can be almost downright foolish not to bask in the glory for a little while, in your younger days – maybe not make a lifestyle of it, but sometimes it’s a real drag to regret what you might have done, but didn’t! Be strong, my friends!
Sighs…..Wow Alex!!! THIS SHIT IS DEEEEP!!!. The more I read your work, the more I realize, it takes a lot of effort to maintain a healthy sexual relationship. You have taught me so much and still continue to open my eyes to its realites. I must admit that it does scare me at times. We aren’t perfect Alex and it takes the simpliest mis-communication to throw things off. Keep doing the awesome work you have been doing to help us men be better at our relationships and better lovers.
Thanks Alex.
Thanks for the comment man, I just want to quickly reply that it really does not take that much work! It’s easy and a pleasure if you keep an open heart. Yes, mistakes get made by her, by you… yes, the simplest miscommunication can throw things off…
But if you have compassion and are willing to be wrong, willing to explore, willing to stay open… you can usually find these little miscommunications and then have great make-up sex.
I’m not perfect anything…never claimed to be. I had my head on straight for a while, at least I thought I did. Even though I can agree with the rationalizations of this, and I don’t use the words lightly, great article and excellent insight into being human, I do not agree with the reality of cheating.
There is no sound logic for going back on your word or implied word. I have and have had many female friends. Been in many situations, and know for a fact that “it” doesn’t just happen. On every occasion and in any future instance I will consciously decide to do or not do, as my cases have been. I could not bring myself, though it sounds quite fun, to compromise my integrity. To then lie to protect the feelings of my partner and of myself.
A lie that causes no pain? An oxymoron if I ever heard one.
As I started with, I’m not perfect… In fact, far from it but I can imagine what perfect is and I can strive to be the best I can in my attempt at perfection…
Yes. Heartache, resentment, feeling used, feeling inadequate.
Sure, we are the masters of our feelings, but without the carelessness of infidelity and betrayal those pieces wouldn’t fit into this mosaic we call the human experience.
It is what you say, with your words and actions that draws respect but it is what you do that commands it.
I’m not old but I guess I’m old school because I was raised to believe that there’s a lot you can tell about a man by his handshake and that a man is only as good as his word…
What’s your word worth? Mine is worth gold.