Back in the 70s there was disco, and there was the swinger scene. Wife-swapping, sex parties, free love, and shenanigans in the Hollywood tubs weren’t necessarily mainstream, but it was common enough that you probably knew someone who was involved.
Then AIDS came along in the 80s, some very serious paranoia, some talk of God’s revenge, and “family values” became something politicians talked about.
I suppose “open relationships” have always been a thing.
But these days, the “swinger” scene is back, it’s bigger than ever (at least from my observation point), and it’s got a brand new name and sense of legitimacy.
These days, most of the people calling themselves “polyamorous” will tell you that swingers are just in it for the sex– it’s all about party sex. And if you’re single, playing the field, and having sex with more than one partner, you’re just… well… single. And it’s all good…
But if you’re “poly,” then that means you have a real, committed relationship with your romantic partner but you’re not sexually exclusive. You both maintain your rights to sexual freedom.
I would say that about half of my close friends label themselves poly, and for the most part, they believe that maintaining their sexual freedom, and more importantly, GIVING their partner sexual freedom is very sophisticated and savvy. Some of them will even come right out and say, anyone who is still monogamous is just insecure and possessive and needs to get over their ego.
Needless to say, some of the monogamous folks have a pretty strong judgement of the poly lifestyle as well.
The way I see it, whoever is doing the judging, whether from the poly side or the monogamous side, is the probably the insecure person in the equation.
There is also a TON of fake science out there claiming that the natural state of affairs for humans is this way or that way. And let me put that to rest for you right now:
It’s all nonsense.
Studies on primitive cultures show conclusively that there is no “normal” for sexual behavior among humans. We are, continuously, a product of the culture, customs, and stories of the social matrix we grow up in. The number of permutations of sexual union that have existed from tribe to tribe, culture to culture, and civilization to civilization would blow your mind.
Traditional Western culture is that if you grow up as a man, you are told that you will desire all women, but you must marry one, and that “normal” is to publicly declare sexual fidelity while privately cheating.
But “traditional” has changed a great deal through the ages, and I believe we’re in the middle of a change right now.
I found the video below extraordinarily non-shocking (and I think the folks who made it intended to shock us a bit)…
But I would LOVE to get YOUR opinion. I’d love to hear what the Allman Report readers think, and what our lifestyle’s look like.
If you have a minute, watch this little video (it’s short, it’s cute, it may or may not be weird to you).
And then take my mini-survey, and if you have more to say about it, I’d love to hear from you in the comments below!
The things I don’t like about open relationships or having multiple women are….
Condoms
Babies
And STD’s
Because of that I stay monogamous.
If having multiple partners means doing any of that.. then Ill stay monogamous.
How does a relationship like this grow over the years
It’s a great question, and the answer is probably written fresh every time. Sometimes “grow over the years” means “complete this phase of life and move on”. Nobody would be surprised if one of the partners left, or another partner came on board, or if all three of them went their separate ways. But while it would be more surprising, it is certainly possible that the three of them move in together and co-parent children together.
Polymory sounds good in theory, but it rarely works for long. in my experience, someone always wants more, someone always gets jealous and most participants get emotionally hurt.
From what I have seen, and I am 59 so I have seen allot (the 60’s for instance), most people enter into non monogamous relationships in one to two mindsets:
1) They actually think they can pull it off without jealousy taking over.
2) They agree to it secretly hoping to change it into a monogamous relationship.
It mostly just implodes due to jealousy. Someone is always the favorite and benefits the most from the relationship and the rest get jealous and angry and poof, it’s over.
Regards
I’ve been watching this pretty closely for awhile, and as near as I can see, poly relationships have about the same success/fail/happiness/drama rates as monogamous relationships across the 3-5 year term. During the longer term it seems they are more likely to “complete” (a better word than fail in this case, because it seems to me that poly couples more often end up friends at the end of a mutual separation).
In other words, it looks to me like “happily ever after” is about the same for polyamory and monogamy, but monogamous couples are more likely to just stay together even things get internal bad, whereas poly couples are more likely to shake hands and part ways.
This is isn’t science or statistics, however, just my personal observations.
I’m not dating right now but I think Poly is totally cool and more natural for me. No single human being can fulfill all the emotional and sexual needs and wants of another. Maybe Poly can’t either but for open minded people, I think Poly can move the ball in the right direction. It will definitely reduce the need to cheat or divorce and their awful consequences.
From my own experience I can tell you that a single human can indeed fulfill all of the emotional and sexual needs and wants of another. But what is true for me might not be true for you.
Speaking for myself only, I don’t know about this. I was happily married for 35 years to my h.s. sweetheart. He became sick and all intimacy stopped in my 40s. He has passed now 6 years and I am alone. I don’t like this, and I feel I have missed out on some of the best sex in my life. If I were to find a patner, I would just want to be with that one. Having said that, I would love to be envolved with a few different men for different reasons. This is a tough one to answer for me. I am a lonely 64 year old curvy attractive woman, that misses being with a man. The thought of being with a couple or more is exciting and scary at the same time. I certainly have enough love, but I want someone that just wants me. Am I being selfish?
It’s me again. After some more thought on this and reading other comments, I just need one man. I want a man that wants me. I don’t want to share intimacy with my special person with another. That is what makes it special. In this day and age, everything has changed. Some of us prefer old school. It’s not a bad thing, it’s special. Thanks.
Your desire to be with one man only, is due to your socialization. I get that, and that is fine. However, we live in a modern and civilized society, where both men and women have tremendous options, in terms of who they meet, and come into contact with every day. You cannot predict how attracted you will be to someone, (let alone if you will jump into bed with them) before you meet them. Nature doesn’t work that way. After all, out of all the 150 million men in the US, surely you acknowledge that there are at least a handful whom if you met, you would want to have sex with immediately, and even share closer intimacy with. That’s just natural. Just because you have not met them yet, does not mean they don’t exist. You say you prefer “old school”, one man, one woman. Well, back in 1902 (old school), many people were disconnected from others simply by virtue of population and geography. So they didn’t have the vast “options” we have today – not to mention that women were men’s property. I don’t want to go back to old school at all. In today’s modern world, we are too “hung up” on the whole concept of monogamy. It really does not work very well, based on the nature of the modern society we live in. In closing, having multiple partners (male or female) is a good thing. More power to them. For the record, I am a single 52 year old guy. Cheers, Sam.
Hey Sam, the error you’re making here in your reply to Betsy is the assumption that all humans are just like you.
It’s a natural thought. If I feel this way, and it seems perfectly normal to me, then everybody must feel this way… or else they’re just repressing it.
It’s logical because we assume that everyone perceives the color red the same way, for example.
The only thing is: It’s wrong.
Different people really do have different desires around sex. It’s more like being an introvert and being told that you’d be happier if you got out more and spent time in crowded places because I’m happier when I go out to such places.
And I can assure you that there are plenty of women, and even plenty of men, who would never want to have sex with someone immediately simply based on attraction alone.
I live in NYC, and I meet women I think are blindingly hot and sexy every single day. But while I can admire their beauty and sensuality, I’m not interested in having sex with any of them because I PREFER my devotion to my wife.
I feel your pain. I’m 62 divorced and looking for someone to connect with. Multiple partners does seems like a good option for a period of time. No pressure. However; for me to find one person to love and who love’s me would you idea. Drop me a note here, let’s talk about it
CR – I think we feel the same. I have only been looking for someone since 2013, but even that is a long time. I had a soul mate, yes, they do exsist. I wonder do we only ever get 1 soul mate? I think both women & men get a bad rap. Sex and attraction is a big part, even when others say they look for intelligence, or some other quality. Others tell me that 64 is just a number, ok, but in the mean time, I am not meeting anyone. I would enjoy discussing this with you, and appreciate Alex letting us use his platform. Back when I was younger, everything was a big deal. Now that older, I would like stability, respect, love – the things I thought I was going to grow old with my soul mate. However times have changed, and I would not compare either. We all need human interaction, and I would like some closeness again. Thank you.
I am married. I found out recently, had suspected for quite some time, that my husband is polygamous. Signs were there but I repeatedly questioned him for truth. I guess it was because of the signs that were apparent, not only to me, for my continued suspicion. But this was ongoing for a long time. Then it seems that once I accepted the “facts”, or maybe “beliefs”, the flood gates were opened and so much more was “revealed”. I still don’t know what to trust.
Ya I agree that they were trying to shock us but it isn’t a shocking video, it might have worked if they had one guy that had two girls talking about how much better they’re now for seeing the man they’re dating openly dating other woman but you don’t see that as much or actually at all in that community.
Currently most of these type of videos or articles about these relationships seem to be centred around how it’s wrong for men to be possessive and how they’re oppressing a woman’s right to love others(aka get laid by someone else).
I do feel it’s definitely more likely that men would go along with the story line that it’s about love and connecting with others in order to get laid when a woman tells them she is in a relationship but is able to see others. On the other hand the majority of women would say a man is full of shit if he said the same thing.
The more they say it’s not about sex the more it comes back to being about sex, how much time would it take to really be in multiple committed relationships? It would be a full time job and then how can you actually be “committed” to multiple partners while planning for a long term future finance wise etc because that’s a part of committed relationships as well.
I don’t care what they do or how they justify it to themselves but a lot of them seem to be very judgemental and have a superiority complex over others that don’t follow their mold. So in that since they do the same thing they criticise others for. The poly community definitely seems to have a dislike for swingers but personally I think swingers seem to be more honest about the reality of what they’re doing.
If there was a “like” button on here at press it. I enjoyed your thoughts on this matter
The white race is in serious decline all over the world, and is on the way to extinction. If there are multiple women in a polygamous relationship… there are numerous advantages: more adults to share responsibilities, more sharing of knowledge, finances and abilities and talents. Best if the women match up in pares. Women can have far more of their needs met. In polygamy with multiple husbands, many similar advantages apply. Such a woman may have a higher sex drive, which multiple husbands can meet for her. Polygamy can also stop and reverse the decline of a race and culture. Monogamy has far too many limits on love and sharing between people. In Monogamy, a person can only choose one person, so millions of people are forced to remain alone. Where can one person find one person to fulfill all their needs? It is very hard, and almost impossible.
Well, I thought long and hard about disallowing this post, as it is a bit inflammatory. In the end, though obviously racist, it’s not actually insulting to any particular race (except, I suppose, to an insecure white guy who is upset about being told his race is in decline), and so I decided to approve it because it is an important contribution to the dialog.
Why?
Because I think it’s important for everyone to understand just how much ignorance and nonsense is out there being labeled as pragmatism, science, or simply taken as fact. It’s important that we all understand that Arthur speaks for many, many men. That he didn’t make this stuff up, but read it all over the internet and even in published books written by self-proclaimed authorities on the subject. This is a loud and growing part of the common story that our culture is based upon, and it would be a mistake to ignore it.
Being old school, I am naturally monogamous, but still male. However, the feelings I have for this woman has forced me to look at being one of two intiment relationships she has been able, at first deceitful, to maintain. I am still coming to terms with such sharing.
It’s a very interesting dilemma you face. On the one hand, here is a woman who you know for a fact is now willing to be completely honest with you, and for whom you have genuine feelings. That has value.
That said, you should be careful of the “scarcity mindset,” as there are actually tens of thousands, and perhaps millions of women who you could develop adoring feelings and even love for, who are very much devoted to finding one special man to enter a monogamous relationship with.
I teach a ton of ideas, techniques, and solutions for maintaining a great, fulfilling, and passionate relationship… but I’ll also be the first to tell you that “compatibility” goes a long, long way!
I wouldn’t infringe on the Free Will of other people. If they want to have an open relationship that is between them and their conscience and/or God. However, I would not ever have a relationship with someone that has either been in an open relationship or wants to have an open relationship, it is my experience that people with the personality type that would thrive in open relationships or who would even be willing to try open relationships do not compliment my personality type. We might be able to be cordial friends but wouldn’t never be able to connect with each other on a deeper level. And that’s okay!
The thing is neither would I enter into any relationship with someone who believes sex before marriage is okay. And with that said I also would not enter into a marriage with someone who has not already shown me during the dating process that they are interested in continual research, studying, learning and practicing the art of love making within their monogamous marriage.
I know too many marriages where the women are miserable and don’t want to have sex with their husbands and their husbands want to have sex with their wives and are clueless as to why their wives do not want to have sex with them. This makes me sad and also makes me wonder why we see an increasing number of people thinking that the way to fix this is with open relationships. When in fact I do not believe that that is the best way to fix this pandemic. I call it a pandemic because I know too many married people that long to have the deep soulfull connection and sexual satisfaction with their mate and only their mate, and it is not confined to just the female gender I know many husbands that feel the same way, but because they are miserable and lacking options to address the issues that are hindering their passion and their connection they look outside the marriage.
Which makes me very sad because In the age we live in there are too many wonderful coaches such as Alex Allman, Jim Benson, Sloane Fox and Susan Bratton for those in monogamous long-term marriages to make excuses for not having the ultimate sexual lives that they could have with one partner.
I am tired of the belief that once you get married that sex dies out and loses its passion and that you can no longer enjoy that kind of intimacy and that it is standard that that intimacy dies out rather than grows. I think this deeply held belief that is held with so many people is part of the problem for creating a world where people have decided they need to look outside of their relationship. Now this may not be at all what is going on in the video above there are people like the woman and the two men where their personalities work well for this type of situation but I don’t think that it would work well for the majority of people.
I have seen that There are not too many couples in monogamous relationships that have experienced the heights that can be reached sexually together with intent and purposeful practice. Nonetheless Even though they are few and far between there are enough couples that I have met that have taken their monogamous relationship to amazing Heights of passion, closeness, intimacy, and other-worldliness that proves to me that it is possible that you can have a monogamous marriage and enjoy passion, evergrowing intimacy and sexual fulfillment with each other. It just takes intent and a promise to each other..which I know CAN be done..the question is whether the two partners are willing.
So for me open relationships would never work because I believe in taking the monogamous relationship to the next Heights of intimacy possible..even after 30 years of marriage! And I’m not interested in any man that does not agree with me wholeheartedly on the priority of this.
Unfortunately, there are a lot of men that don’t prioritize this like I do nor are there many women who prioritizes this endeavor as I do. I even wonder and theorize if there was alot more marriages that held this veiw of dedication to prioritizing this type of sexual practice and education I conjecture there would be far more satisfied couples where they would not need to look to pornography or outside of their marriage tonfulfill their needs.
However, i do believe it does come down to personality type and personal belief system. Some personality types will thrive in open relationships and then others won’t. So it’s also about knowing yourself being confident in yourself and having a healthy ego got a big ego not a week ago not a scaredy though but a healthy ego who knows what you stand for and what you as an individual needs to feel satisfied and whole within yourself so that you can bring that wholeness too your half of the team.
I gave thought about a “V” relationship but would love a happy monogamous marriage as I am happy living with an equally yoked partner high vibrations, high passion happiness.
I like frmail’s
A part of me is really focused on monogamy and another part wants to try polyAmory. I don’t know which one will win on the end which why I want to try polygamy
Not appealing. One would always have to use latex and still have some worry. To me latex takes away from spontaneity and limits intimacy. Also romantic love fades – inevitable heartbreak multiple times.
I think that the open relationship can be good. I also would like to know how you go about finding people that are interested in the open relationship. I am also not opposed to poligamy. How do you find people that are interested in that type of relationship. I definitely feel that a person is capable of loving more than one person and if the situation is right can be wholesome.
Tried this a couple years ago. A “V” relationship with me at the center, with both ladies aware of my exploits. Didn’t work out… frankly, I don’t see the whole buzz about it. None of us three felt any real jealousy to speak of, but at the same time, it felt no different or more “liberating” than it would be to date a single person. In fact, having to manage myself between two different women proved too be too much of a hassle. Their demands for attention grew exponentially and it became more and more difficult to divide my emotional energy to satisfy both of them. It barely lasted a year, and imploded due to me losing interest. Bottom line is, I’m not really sure about this… maybe I’m not just cut out for this sort of thing. I’ve always been more old-fashioned.
Most likely not going to make another attempt at this.
Dating openly is SO much different than having a polyamorous relationship. By relationship, I mean spousal relationship, where you commit to working together to serve a greater good or higher purpose. When you make, call it a spiritual contract, the relationship challenges really emerge and the work begins. Only in THAT context can you consider “open dating” polyamory. While dating, everyone should be dating multiple people until they find someone they really connect with… assuming you are serving the purpose of carrying on the human race by procreating, or seeking a lasting partnership. Otherwise what you’re calling a V relationship is just dating and fun…nothing serious. You can’t be serious with someone who isn’t committed to you. There is a difference between commitment and monogamy, for sure. Personally, I don’t want to be committed to someone for life if I am not enough for them. I don’t believe in soul mates so I believe it takes work and communication to keep the fire alive. Anything less is either laziness, ignorance or incompatibility. Polyamorists in my opinion are having a lot of fun with flexible morals and are in for a real shocker if they ever decide to procreate, which for many lies at the core of our “urge” for relationship.
I’m very curious to hear why you, Alex Allman choose a monogamous relationship!
Do you think this will change in a few years, so that you and your woman will open up the gates for more partners to be present in your relationship, or do you believe that you will stay with this one person for the rest of your life?
Interesting question…
To begin with, I experienced different permutation of non-monogamy many times when I was younger. I openly dated multiple women for years, but none of those really became serious relationships, though I did see some of them as long as a year. I also had a relationship for many years with a bisexual woman who was open and interested in bringing other women into our bedroom and we, as a couple, had several “girlfriends” over the years, but only jointly, never separately. It worked very well for us and our relationship was happy and stable across many years, and completed for entirely different reasons.
Currently I am not “choosing” monogamy (or at least that’s now how it feels)… it’s more like being drawn by it. I’m just following my happiness, and my happiness is most highly served by this devotional offering of sexual variety onto the alter of furthering our exploration and love for one-another.
Now the future is notoriously hard to predict, and I understand that my wife and I might go through substantial personal changes over the decades, but it’s my current belief and intention that we will stay together, and monogamously devoted, for life.
I’m looking for a woman with whom to fall in love, and to whom I would be utterly loyal, trustworthy, faithful (not merely in a sexual sense), supportive and devoted. And I would be looking for the same in return. I can neither understand nor imagine why anyone, male or female, would be content, let alone desire, to share their partner with another.
If it’s okay with some people then fine, they can do as they choose, and it’s no loss to me as I wouldn’t be interested in a woman who thought that way so I’m not losing out, they’re doing me no harm, and I don’t see how they would be doing harm to anyone who didn’t see from their perspective. Which after all is the key factor in any human activity. Does it harm anyone else? And if not it’s fine to carry on and do it.
Those who live differently may ascribe my wish for monogamy to weakness on my part. So be it, it doesn’t bother me. They probably understand me no better than I understand them. I live my way and try to hurt no-one by it and I ask no more of others than that they do the same.
Can you explain how or why people would think you are weak for being monogomous?
I can explain quite clearly why i am monogamous.
And to me it makes perfect sense.
But i cant see how others would look at it as weakness. Unless its just guys trying to rack up the most sexual partners.
Great question Rod!
Here’s the way a lot of Poly folks see monogamy…
1) All humans crave sexual variety, and all humans, in their perfect fantasy, would love to have lots of hot and sexy sex partners– even if they are in a loving, devoting, and extremely satisfying relationship. Within the general case (I’m sure there are exceptions), they are pretty much right about this.
2) Therefore, if you REALLY love yourself and want to express the full range of your erotic truth, and if your partner REALLY loves you and wants you to have everything you desire in life, then he/she should be okay with you exploring other sex partners.
3) If you REALLY love your partner, you should be a champion for her/him going out and being with other partners if that is what it takes for them to express their full range of sexual desire and freedom without shame.
4) The reason that monogamous couples DON’T do that is based on insecurity, possessiveness, and fear that your partner will find someone who sexes them better and abandon you in favor of them. (And it’s my observation that this last one is also true in a large number of circumstances… though absolutely not all).
Alex, I respect your work and think the above is a great explanation of how poly people see things. Allowing someone to explore their options and potentially finding someone who sexes them better is weak. It takes strength to say, “I am all you need,” and to back that up with action by putting in the HARD work. If it’s not true, and one person needs to play the field (explore their sex options), the other can still be supportive AND monogamous at the same time. “Good for you, spouse! Go get ’em! I hope you find ALL you are looking for and I support you in your journey! We can still be best friends, minus sleeping and living together. I want to sleep and live with someone who finds me sufficient.” To me, that’s strength. It’s easy to say, “I need more in my relationship and you don’t have it so I’m going to go find it elsewhere,” and it’s also easy to say, “Go ahead and play the field. I’ll stay home and play the sap UNTIL you find someone else.” It’s hard to say, “I am enough.”
In the large majority of cases, polyamory is a two way street or fails early. If both partners aren’t indulging in extracurricular activities, it is somewhat unworkable… though obviously that’s not always the case. Of course polyamory itself is often unstable in either case, but as I mentioned elsewhere, monogamy is not that stable either!
Rod: My words were in reference to the passage of the article which reads “…some of them will even come right out and say, anyone who is still monogamous is just insecure and possessive and needs to get over their ego…”, quoting the views of some of Alex’s friends. I cannot speak as to their motivations, though Alex knows them well and has expanded on the passage in reply to your post. As I stated, that they may have that opinion of me doesn’t cause me any concern. I wouldn’t have any intentions toward a woman who thought that way anyhow. I am happy to live and let live, and hope that one day I will meet the right woman who holds similar views to my own.
I’m not in any manner prudish. Whilst I am single, were I to be offered a sexual experience by a woman who made it clear that she wanted nothing more, then so long as I found her attractive I would have no problem in accepting. I am certainly not against sex outside of a relationship. However I would not consider entering into a relationship with a woman who sought to have other relationships at the same time. I am not even against relationships outside of a relationship, except as to where they apply to myself. Others are free to live as they choose, I wouldn’t try or even wish to alter that.
I don’t see it as a case of telling her I’m enough for her. She will be looking for one man and would choose me the same as I would choose her. I’m not sure you meant it this way, but to me your second post seems to read that it’s a choice of either tell her she’s got you and that’s it or be held cuckold until she leaves. My own view is of something more equal and mutually appealing than that.
I am in a monogamous relationship and have also been married twice. I don’t agree with the assumption that monogamy is clinging and based on ego. I also don’t believe that people are basically unhappy in monogamous relationships and will definitely cheat. I accept that there are many types of relationships out there and that there is not a one-size-fits-all answer to what is the best type of relationship. It will be interesting to see what happens in poly amorous relationships of young people over time as the prospect of marriage and children comes up.
I have never been a religious or conservative person, but when I think about the effects of children being raised by three or more “parents”, honestly it seems worse than divorce. What is the real purpose of polyamory? To love and be loved physically by a variety of people? If you can’t find a way for your married spouse to fulfill your physical needs, then you aren’t investing in them and allowing them the opportunity to invest in you. You can always give and get love from everyone you meet all day. Thinking you need to make it physical is childish. Some day you’re going to get old… do you really think it will be possible to maintain relationshipS (plural) with various partners after some have impregnated you and some have not? Do you only stay in touch with the actual biological fathers? …or do you just leave them when they soften up in order to work and serve their family so you can get more action with a seemingly more dominant male who fulfills your fantasies without instruction? None of this is true love. True love is letting your partner be who they are without judgment or criticism. If both are poly, then okay i guess… but it’s really a matter of boundaries if one is and one isn’t. If you’re poly with someone who isn’t, and you are raising a FAMILY, really ask yourself your needs. Have you made every effort to have a lasting relationship with the person you committed to? If yes and things still don’t work, then go “have fun!” Meanwhile, I’m growing up and looking for someone I’m actually compatible with who values the concept of working together to serve a greater good.
Kate asked an interesting rhetorical question toward the end of the video. She posed if manogomy is the way it’s supposed to be, why is there so much cheating and divorce? Sounds like justification. Morals differ widely between people. What I think is wrong, is wrong for me. In a black & white, wrong and right world, there would be some consistency. We just do not live in a world where universally accepted morals are the rule.
There’s a clear answer to her question, and it’s the same answer to the question of why so many polyamorous couples still break up, cheat (yes, often there are “rules” broken in poly couples too), and generally have so much drama?
The answer:
We are all still human. There is no scenario of relationship where it just runs automatically and perfectly like a machine.
The thing that struck me about this video is that I got the sense from Kate(?) that neither guy is the primary guy. I had assumed that Jon was her focus and Andrew secondary. But then she described the V and I saw them interact and concluded that I likely had it wrong. I wonder if that is unique. While Kate’s relationship(s) may or may not continue for a lifetime, these three had the feel of a permanent equilibrium in which the guys stand on equal footing. Now my reaction: who am I to judge? It’s not for me (being a guy, I could see being shared by two women more than vice versa). And I struggle with which paradigm would be most comfortable with a girlfriend: to have this scenario or to have transitory figures flitting in and out of your lives. I don’t yet have an answer to that question.
Both of these guys are okay “making love” to this beautiful woman, sharing here. They understand the deal and don’t mind it because they are not REALLY committed to her. If one of these men impregnates her, there are going to be some serious jealousy issues and Kate is going to find herself in the middle of a real situation. This may not bother her, though, because clearly she loves attention.
Alex,
About time the concept of polyamory is more thoroughly explored in the mainstream of relationships. Although I have never been in such a relationship I have come to believe that the best approach may well be one that embraces this concept. For one thing, if I am primarily concerned with what would be best for a woman I am in relationship with, the answer may well be one that allows her being in relationship with other men as well as me. It really is time to drop the ego satisfaction of believing that monogamy is necessarily best for your partner. The other end of the spectrum is “monogamy is fine, celibacy is not”. As with all of life there is no infallible behavior.
Thank you for continuing to take on the reality of modern relationships.
Loaded topic, will try to be brief. As a younger man (early to mid 20s) polyamory seemed cool. My fiancé let me try it out and eventually she left me. Even with the follow up girl, I still sought it, she was against it. 5 years later follow up girl and I have a kid and 2 years later we marry after years of her begging for marriage. One month later she cheats and seems to want to fool around.
I think the person that “thinks” they are more dominant excuses the notion of polyamory as normal. If all are dominant as it seems the people in video are, it’s all good… but what about when kids are involved? Eventually, the notion seems pitiful, a desperate need for constant attention and adoration. Eventually, you need to put the needs of your family before your own carnal desires. Fulfillment comes from within; relationship within the context of child-rearing, in my opinion, should be founded on mutual trust and commitment. Alex, I would ask you to find the following data through your research: polyamory amongst married couples with children. My guess- it’s quite rare. Even better data would be interviewing how it feels to be raised by polyamorist parents. I think it would be confusing and encourage me to make questionable decisions regarding the welfare of others. I’m not judging, as long as the child is raised with integrity and honesty. Different strokes for different folks. But on the surface if you are cool with this kind of a relationship and believe it serves the best interests of transforming a rugrat into an adult, I would call you a hippie. I used to be one and it was a good time. Now I’m working my ass off trying to figure out how to become what I consider a real man… not someone who can get his rocks off, but someone that can serve a higher purpose with integrity and be a role model to his child, and hopefully his wife too, through integrity, trust, honor and fidelity. Not to say that polyamorist are being unfaithful…
In essence, polyamory seems mostly about meeting one’s own needs which goes against what I’ve come to value in a deep relationship- putting the needs of your spouse before your own. So if my wife wants to fool around, major props to her for figuring it out. I support her! I just won’t tolerate that kind of behavior in a “wife” so the marriage as we know it will end. Paradoxically, it may make us better co parents as the strife and conflict between us is volatile and unnerving.
My girlfriend and I swing, so poly isn’t the right choice for my Survey Monkey responses. We have kids together and are committed to each other, but it’s fun to play with others.
Very very interesting. Some of us would say “an intimate, open relationship without declared emotional attachments? Unicorn!!!” And wonder how we got so lucky. More power to them, keep the truth flowing. As for myself…I always say I want a casual relationship (or arrangement) but I’ll admit it’s been a while and I was brought up old-school (old Catholic values) spending the last several years recognizing that and doing what I can to change myself. So it’d be like winning the lottery; I really don’t know what the hell I’d do.
That’s why I read your stuff, and a select few others.
I still want you to publish a paper version of your book. I’d pay 40-50 USD for it.
Thanxalot