Do you have to be an “alpha male” to get women?
Will your woman leave you if she can get herself a guy who is “more alpha” than you are?
And what the heck is “alpha” anyway?
Get ready my friends, because I’m ripping the band-aide off on this one, and if you’ve been told that you need to just be more alpha to get the girl or to satisfy her sexually… and if you’ve been working hard on becoming more alpha– hoping some day, through repetition, women will actually think you’ve become Thor or something… then this just might hurt a bit.
Unfortunately, there is a Universe of websites, gurus, books, memes, articles, groups, and “coaches” out there that are making a living selling this alpha male nonsense, so you might have heard it… well… everywhere.
And when you hear something everywhere, it starts to feel true.
In this case, it’s pretty much like when everyone believed that trans-fat-soaked margarine was the healthy choice over natural butter. It sounded plausible at the time (no saturated fats!), and then a giant marketing machine got behind it to sell hundreds of millions of American households those little plastic tubs of artery poison.
And then it turned out to be bad for you.
This alpha male thing has been picked up by all of the men’s websites and men’s online communities out there – the so-called “Man-O-Sphere” – and they talk about it like Moses brought down the instructions for being the ultimate alpha inscribed on stone tablets.
Here’s what they say about being an “alpha male”:
1) To be alpha is to LEAD and be DOMINANT at all times
2) The alpha gives no fucks. Not ever.
3) The alpha does not take mere women seriously. Women are second class citizens, maybe even a second class species, and they need to be kept in their place by constantly showing them who’s the boss (which, by the way, women simply can’t resist! When you show women who the boss is, they’ll be soaking their panties and crawling over one-another to get your alpha shaft of manly manhood!).
Here’s what they say about women:
1) Women are not “rational” like men are. They are incapable of rational thought, as they are less advanced mentally, and constantly swayed by their emotions.
2) Women are incapable of integrity. If a woman tells you something today, don’t expect her to keep her word about it tomorrow. It’s not that she’s bad or evil… it’s just that women simply don’t understand what men mean when we discuss the idea of integrity.
3) Women are incapable of sexual fidelity, and will only stay with a man as long as she perceives him as the alpha. Again, not because she’s bad, but simply because women are biologically programmed to only mate with the alpha.
And then there’s THEIR IDIOTIC “SCIENCE”:
Yes, yes, there are actual books written that say this stuff, and yes, you probably once had a teacher that said books are filled with things that are true.
Only… not.
Depressing as this is in the age of disinformation, it turns out that you can find a doctor or a PhD to sign onto literally any crazy, bat-brained theory you make up. The fact is, about 1 in 100 doctors and Ph.D.s, just like the rest of us, are dangerously delusional and psychologically deranged.
“Popular” scientific theories sell books, and folks that publish and distribute books are mostly in the business of making money on the books that whackos write. That’s why so many books have been written about government cover-ups of the aliens at Area 51, and the miracle cure for [insert anything incurable here] that doctors don’t want you to know about and that you can do it at home for pennies a day. (Author’s note: I am mentally preparing for the email onslaught from the folks who believe this stuff too).
The thing is, anyone can make massive claims without resorting to any of those pesky things like peer review or proof. And they can even point to studies (and they do) that are actually completely unrelated, and then say, “See! This study is proof!” when, truly, it’s not even anything resembling proof.
People are constant referring to Richard Dawkins’ book, “The Selfish Gene” and saying that it proves that women only mate with the fittest alpha males and have simply no choice in the matter– their brains are just wired that way by their selfish genetics. The only thing is… Richard Dawkins would laugh until he threw up if he heard that silly assertion.
I also hear them constantly referring to my friend Geoffrey Miller’s best selling book, “The Mating Mind,” as proof of how women only want dominant alpha males, and that “higher social status” is the only reason a woman will have sex with you. I’ve actually talked to Geoffrey about this, and he was very upset to hear that his research was being utterly misunderstood (or twisted) this way. Indeed, his book makes almost the exact opposite claim.
And then there are plenty of other writers out there, some even with scientific degrees, who actually DO say this shit. Because it sells books.
Other credible scientists (like Dawkins and Miller) think these guys are idiots, laugh at their stupid fake science, and fume that those jerks are making so much more money selling what people just want to hear.
So… WHAT THE HECK IS AN ALPHA-MALE?
In some gregarious species, notably lions and wolves, each grouping of animals is dominated by one, fierce male. That male, referred to as the “alpha male” of the group, generally has first choice of food after a kill, as well as first (and often even exclusive) choice of mates.
In lion prides, the alpha male gets ALL of the females, and the other male lions can get killed if they attempt to mate with a female in heat.
And if you’ve been suffering through a lonely period without getting any attention from women, you might just feel like one of those “beta” male lions. I get it! I’ve had loneliness mess with my brain too, and it feels very, very shitty.
But, the things is, you are not actually anything like one of those other lions, because humans don’t have alpha males and beta males in their system of mating. That is just not the science of how our species procreates.
Now it can look a little muddy because very popular men, very powerful men, very high status men… well they very often have more than their fair share of women. So, it’s easy to see TWO women on that guy’s arm, and zero anywhere in your life, and think: He is the alpha! I’m beta!
But, that’s like seeing a dog piss on a parking meter and thinking that dogs ONLY piss on parking meters. In fact, it’s actually like deciding that YOU ought to piss on parking meters yourself.
Open your eyes:
Women like ALL KINDS OF MEN. Some women go weak in the knees for the scrawny starving artist, some for the tough guy, some for the brilliant scientist, and some for singer with the golden voice.
Most women are particularly attracted to the man with the confidence to just be okay with exactly the kind of man that he actually is.
Nearly EVERY woman goes for the man with the confidence and the emotional maturity to be clear and open with his emotions, and the willingness to make an effort to understand hers.
(And nearly every woman is sexually revolted by guys who try to fake that stuff).
Unlike lions where the females do the hunting and the males simply battle each other to the death for the privilege of mating with them… humans are cooperative and co-dependent animals where the males must work TOGETHER for common goals. In tribes where that didn’t happen, the humans died off and their genes were weeded out.
The highest social status male (which is absolutely attractive to women, though not by any means the ONLY attractive quality they look for), is rarely the toughest or the most dominant, or the one that gives no fucks.
In fact, in human groupings, the highest status male usually gives the most fucks, has the most friends, is most concerned with the well-being of the entire group, and knows how to use his emotional intelligence to get the other humans to cooperate more and share both the work and the rewards.
Of course, if the human group you are talking about is an MMA academy, well then it’s quite normal that the highest status guy in that group is going to be the toughest warrior!
And if you go to Davos for the annual meeting of the actual most powerful people in the world, the alpha is hard to find… because you have a group of men and women whose excellence at coordinated effort and collaboration is unparalleled.
If you want to be more popular with the ladies, being intelligent and emotionally generous are going to get you much further than pretending to be a douche-bag.
The douche-bag that gets the ladies… well, he’s getting only a very particular set of women who had troubled childhoods. And more to the point: He’s being his own, authentic, douche-bag self, and not faking it.
Can you find women who go for the richest or most powerful man, and will give up any other man for a chance to social-climb?
Of course you can. But be careful about using that poor emotionally damaged and jaded girl as your proof that other women will behave the same way.
All women are somewhat attracted to power and status.
Just like men are.
I mean, why not? Wouldn’t you be thrilled to discover that the girl who is interested in you also happens to have a private jet and wants to take you to her favorite little beach in the Caribbean for the weekend?
But the idea of the “alpha male” is that the alpha is the ONLY one who gets to mate. And that’s just nonsense.
And that stuff about women having less integrity than men: Check the stats on cheating… in the workplace or the bedroom… It turns out that men and women are equally human.
Thank you for this wonderful post Alex, I couldn’t be more delighted to be reading this. As a woman who enjoys a confident man, I also am confused sometimes on whether a very confident man needs to be Alpha. What does a confident beta man look like? I look forward to reading more!
I think you said it the best. I oughta read Millers book; I have Dawkins and some others. Ya gotta read it all, and take it all in, and see for your(my)self “is this how it actually is in my life?” Kudos.
I still wish you’d publish an actual book. I’d pay full price.
I’ve got a few of them in the pipeline 😉
Honestly, I never really understood the whole “Alpha Male” thing. Maybe it’s because my dad went through 3 wives before I left High School or maybe it’s because the first dating advice company I found was The Social Man but, often times, I’d find that guys who are good at getting dates are very rarely good at keeping them. Of course, there’s no point in being able to keep a mate if you can’t get one to start with but the point is that most of the good dating advice I’ve found revolves around leveraging your own natural advantages and developing weaker aspects to get a date and then keep them once you’ve done that. A lot of guys I can think of that are good at getting dates, who we see as the high status, good looking, attractive man’s men did keep women invested for all of a week but then they lost interest because the man they found had very little substance beyond that.
I don’t want to rehash too much of what I’ve heard from you or people you’re associated with because many of the people reading this have probably heard it a million times before but I will say this: the surface is what gets someone interested but the inside is what keeps them invested and that’s true both ways.
Exactly.
Who are we really attracted to, to someone that cares and knows it’s in every bodies interest to be treated fairly and with respect, of course there are other attributes that can be aspects of love that we are all, both men and women are highly attracted to, but these attributes must be congruent in there lives, because people will really notice you as you will be different from most and they will want to know if you are indeed the real deal.
So where does the screwed alpha idea come from?? Some of its based on low self esteem, selfishness, uneducated, poor peer examples, if some of these alpha want a be’s could learn to use that mental muscle called empathy and kindness, then I’m sure the world would be as happier and more productive place
Amen Steven. Spoken like a man who has a fantastic woman who is madly in love with him.
I found a lot of information but I end up with all the woman that don’t know what to do?
What do you say to men who’s believe that women go for alphas or badboys isn’t a misogynistic or pseudoscientific ideological opinion, but just something they’ve observed?
I’m asking because I didn’t believe this now, but I did when I was a high-school kid. Why? Because most of the girls seemed to be going for those guys, leaving the more shy, mild-mannered, harmless boys single. It was kind of like… imagine you live in a small town with only a handful of employers, and you notice that only people who go to work wearing suits ever get jobs. You’d begin to think it was a job requirement in that town.
Back then I was worried that if I got a girlfriend, that she would dump me for not being willing to mistreat her.
So, basically I’d like to know… what was with those girls in high school? And what does a man (regardless of age) do in that situation?
Hey Kevin, don’t misunderstand me as saying that “all men are equally attractive to women.” Obviously that’s nonsense. There are men that ALL the women go crazy for, and there are men who some women are attracted to, and there are some men that most women just aren’t interested in.
What I’m saying is that this is not anything close to the phenomenon of the “alpha male” among animals, and there is no “one way” of being that is attractive to women. And being a dominant douche-bag certainly isn’t the path to universal popularity and becoming leader of the pack.
You observed that most of the girls in school were interested in a very few of the boys. Those boys had various attractive attributes, and it would be easy to say, “they were all jerks!” simply because the girl you had a crush on had a crush on HIM. And he broke her heart by not being interested in her (because he had so many other choices). Ouch. Life feels like this sometimes.
You might have also observed that most of the boys school were interested in a very few of the girls! Women experience this same shit. There are 5-10 “popular, pretty girls, and the others are invisible.
Children, as has been noted by others before me, can be very cruel to one another. They have not fully developed things like empathy, and critical reasoning centers in the frontal cortex haven’t developed yet in teenagers, leading them to crippling malformed decision making.
A popular boy may well indeed become cruel to his girlfriend if he feels like he has options. But there is no causality there for her attraction to him. She just wants to be popular, liked. If she’s lucky genetically and her parents did a great job in the unconditional love department, she’ll have the self esteem to tell him to go fuck himself. If not… not.
Adults (and even older teens) gets much wiser around these things. Hopefully.
So, in other words, it was a matter of power corrupting those boys?
I don’t think I follow you Kevin. If anything it was the opposite. Powerlessness drove those boys to invent a fantasy idea about how they might “win” a game that nobody was ever supposed to “win”. The truth about romantic relationships is that we “build” something together. It’s not a win/lose game where in order to get laid you have to defeat the woman, it’s more like climbing a mountain: You get to the top together or not at all.
But maybe I am just not understanding your reference?
Yep – exclamation mark! I could not agree more. However the damage done by these ‘experts’ goes beyond the humble dude. I have discussed this with some woman and an increasing number have commented to me that they believe this BS is real. Great to see some woman commenting here too. We are in this together!
It’s women that caused all this and discounting the opinions of women that believe it to be true is just being wilfully ignorant of reality.
Guys asked women about how they want to be treated, what they found attractive in guys etc and guys listened. Then the same women walked all over them or completely ignored them to fuck the “Alpha” guy that was the opposite of everything she said she wanted or liked.
Then these smart guys learned to rely on the most reliable market research available they looked at what the market(women) was buying(the men they were fucking) and developed the characteristics of said men.
Low and behold these men started getting laid therefore putting it in their minds that women take advantage of the nice guy but fuck the guy that doesn’t give a shit about them.
It’s sad but it is what it is and it will continue like this until women start rejecting the douchbags and the nice respectful guys get the girls from an early age, not just when she’s in her 30’s and decides to settle for the guy she’s been stringing along for the last 10 years as a back up plan.
Yep. I was expecting a few of these. So let’s take a look at this with an open mind and critical eye and figure out if there is any truth to it.
It’s worth beginning with the end: There is no way this guy is going to change his mind, because of a little thing in human wiring called, “confirmation bias.” It’s why if you’re a Trump fan, it just doesn’t matter if his medical plan is going to ruin your finances, and if you’re an Obama fan, it just doesn’t matter if his medical plan ruined your finances. Nobody changes their minds once they are emotionally committed.
And that’s a real shame in this case, because a LOT of men are emotionally committed to the alpha male lie.
Here are the 2 big problems with this argument:
1) Anytime someone looks at their shortcomings (e.g., not being able to get a woman), and they blame everyone else for the issue, you’ve got a problem. The idea that it’s everyone else’s fault (it’s those stupid, mean girls!) and not taking any accountability for yourself always leads to the same place: Nowhere.
2) The second issue is simply that this is “fake news” and pseudo-science. Yes, there are a ton of guys out there who say, “I’m smart! I did market research! women only the fuck the guy who doesn’t give a shit about them!” But having tons of guys saying it is really no different than having tons of people say that the CIA blew up the World Trade Center or that Global Warming is a hoax. It just doesn’t make it true.
As a writer and public figure I have an artificially enormous social circle, and I know hundreds and hundreds of men with gorgeous, brilliant, fantastic women in their lives who they adore and treat in the most respectful and loving ways.
How can that be?!
Well, let’s look at what’s actually true:
1) If you observe a beautiful woman with a douche-bag, it can ruin your day and make a big impression on you. It’s like the time that I went to London right after there was a bombing in the Underground. My mother said, “No! Don’t go to London! It’s too dangerous!” And, of course, London is simply one of the safest cities in the world, even if you count the numbers of those who lost their lives in the isolated bombing.
So yes, you see it, it makes an impression, and it’s easy for you to turn your frustration over not getting women into anger at the woman who is with the jerk.
But what if you do it in reverse? What if you think of every beautiful woman you know and then look at the man she is with?
You’ll quickly discover that the most desirable women are virtually exclusively with great guys who treat them generosity, respect, humor, and love.
2) Women are NOT sorting for nice guys! If a woman is with a “nice guy” it’s a coincidence that he happened to be nice, but it’s unlikely what she was attracted to. They were more likely attracted to his authenticity, courage, honesty, openness, willingness to connect and be real, perhaps his good looks or accomplishments or intelligence or great singing voice or sense of humor, or whatever other attractive attributes he has. Nice is pretty much optional.
And that can lead to another misunderstanding. If women aren’t attracted to ‘nice’ then they must be attracted to ‘asshole’. And that just doesn’t actually follow. Just like if I say chicken isn’t my favorite food, it doesn’t mean that I throw up if that’s what’s for dinner.
3) Here’s the real problem pal: When a guy asks a woman how she wants to be treated, and then he does that hoping to get laid, it’s called “being fake.”
It turns out that “being fake” is sexually repulsive.
An authentic douche-bag is going to get laid a whole lot more than a low-self-esteem man who is faking a bunch of qualities that he hopes will get a women to like him. If that makes the low self-esteem guy angry and turns him into an authentic douche-bag, he’ll probably have more luck!
But let’s not deceive ourselves here. An authentically confident, emotionally available, generally happy, warm, playful, and nice guy is going to end up with all of the women in this situation.
I spent most of my life trying to be alpha. I became bigger, stronger, more confident, more popular than those around me. And an expert at pickup. It opens doors and attracts countless women to you. None of those relationships lasted for one reason.
Where it gets complicated is if you start faking your genuine self. You need to connect with someone on a deeper level.
Being the most alpha version of yourself is important. Example take care of yourself, exercise, hygene, always improve. Pretending to be someone you are not is a miserable dead end. Make tons of friends with women and men. Date the women that are the best people that have the highest interest in the geniune version of yourself. Make sure you share the same values. That will last long term.
I completely agree, James: Becoming bigger, stronger, and more confident are all good things. There is no greater leverage in life than working to improve the mind and body you are born with.
And doing so improves confidence and the sense of self, which attracts women with, or without pickup stuff. Funny enough, just having a pickup routine that you truly BELIEVE works does wonders for the confidence and can work like crazy. The issue is (as you already know, but allow me to explain for those reading along), as soon as you get to the end of the routine things get wonky. The more you believe in the pickup stuff, the better it works. But the more you believe it was the pickup stuff that worked, the more it actually lowers your self esteem because you don’t give yourself any of the credit.
EDIT: I’d also add that I wouldn’t use the term “alpha” to describe getting stronger. I’d use the term, “getting stronger.” Alpha is a silly idea among humans, and it’s main purpose, from the beginning, was as a marketing tool to sell pickup programs.
Alex it seems like you are trying to discredit the term Alpha so that you can use it in your own stuff, anti-alpha marketing or something along the lines of that.
I think it’s ignorant to say there’s not “Alpha’s” among groups of people, we’re designed to be in tribes, these tribes had leaders(the alpha) and they still do from the basketball court to a group of guys going out on the town.
If you look at every group setting from sports to business and social settings you see that there’s leaders in these groups and the women are usually attracted mostly to the guy at the top, the one that takes control of the team, he’s confident in his abilities at whatever task they’re completing and the other men listen to him & follow his orders.
He’s the leader and just like the animal kingdom the alpha of the group.
I agree it’s an over used term and most guys just act like jackasses but that doesn’t mean there aren’t genuine Alphas in groups but you might be the leader and alpha in one setting but in another your mate might be and in that instance girls gravitated towards him more.
Personally from experience I think that Alphas are real and women do mostly seem to be drawn towards that one guy but it depends on the situation and setting of where you’re. Whoever is the leader(alpha) in each setting generally ends up attracting the most girls.
I guess my grievance with this article is your outright denial that in humans we don’t have Alphas but maybe I’m right and this for you is more of a way to market your products as far away from some of the idiotic marketing “dating coaches” use.
Hey Daz, you know man, I definitely have stuff for sale, and this site is my business… but do you see me selling anything in this post?
I promise you, brother, I’m not trying to deceive you to sell you here. I honestly want you to have a happier and more romantically successful life, and from my position at the top of the mountain I can see the path.
In fact, I know all of the wrong paths I’ve taken (and the wrong paths of the hundreds of men I’ve personally coached through this stuff one-on-one). And I’ve seen many other paths that I didn’t take that also arrived at the top.
There is a powerful efficiency to organizing with a leader, and that’s why corporations have CEOs. Human’s a smart, and in the natural world, they often recognized this efficiency and organized tribes along the lines of having one chief.
But the data simply doesn’t support the idea that this is biologically natural for us. And, in fact, most primitive societies do not organize with a single chief, but rather have a council of elders. Often hunter-gatherers simply have a council of everyone and function as democracies.
And sometimes, yes, there is a warlord or single leader, and because of its efficiency, those tribes often conquer others.
But let’s get to the point. Does the leader get all of the female attention?
No way! (Though in the case of our warlord, he can of course just tell her that he’ll kill her and her entire family if she doesn’t comply… and presto! instant harem of hot chicks! …but that’s not what we’re talking about here, right?)
Women are absolutely attracted to power, so yes, the most powerful guy (social status) is going to be more attractive than he was before he had any power. But it’s one of a thousand things that women are attracted to.
It’s like saying that woman with large breasts will get more attention. I mean, sure, but most of us don’t sort women by breast size and just go for the biggest first. In fact there are plenty of men who don’t even like big breasts, and there are plenty of women who truly do not want to fuck the leader. Check out those romantic movies where the girl chooses the poor but romantic guy over the rich and powerful but unfeeling guy. It’s not guys that buy the tickets to those movies my friend.
The confusion (and it is confusing) is that social status is very real, and women are very genuinely attracted to higher social status. It’s just that being tough, powerful, or the leader doesn’t always mean social status in a given group. And if the CEO is certainly the alpha of the corporation, why doesn’t he get all (or even most) of the women.
If you’re rich, handsome, generous, socially skilled, romantic, smart, funny, popular… those qualities might very well make you the highest status male… but either way, you’re getting laid, right?
Hi there writer and other readers, really liked this post! The thing that keeps me wondering is if it’s the man the one looking “more desperate” trying to get on board with the first girl that likes him, as though we men had less filters or non-physical conditionings, a good interpretation. Or how do you call that we men are supposed to be a little bit more forward when starting to get
to know other people. Saludos
Like been said, that assumed “integrity” means fair competition, but unlike that noble concept we also consider having balls is directly related to being “better” than others. Sorry for too much quoting. Cheers.
Just like Seinfeld once said, the main reason people gets coupled it’s alcohol, but aside from Darwinistic post conclutions, I guess the best evidence in such not (alpha assumptions) would be human population growth rate, and I know it looks just sad to put it that way, but it must mean something, don’t it?
Haha! Yes it doesj indeed.
Cool man!
“Women are not “rational” like men are. They are incapable of rational thought, as they are less advanced mentally, and constantly swayed by their emotions.” Umm….I have spent the last almost four years working in the car industry. I sell advertising and software to car dealers and and have sat in countless meetings day after day week after week year after year with men, many clearly “Alpha” men. Can I tell you one of my biggest ah ha’s? That MEN are like WAY more irrational and emotional then many of my female friends. I have seen them say and do the most irrational things and melt down in emotional drama more times that I can count. Right in business meetings. Can we just put this to bed finally? Men AND woman can act irrationally and emotionally. We all have that capacity. It is only our level of personal development, emotional intelligence and maturity that influences whether we act that out or act on it that makes the difference.
Amen. But everyone knows that men can’t be rational around cars 😉
I think there’s a generational disconnect here.
I would agree with what Alex writes 5 – 10 years ago but the dating game has SERIOUSLY changed due to social media and tinder.
There’s a reason all of the alpha content out there is not only being consumed, but growing exponentially right now.
It’s because any young man that has tried to be emotionally open and understand a *millennial woman* has been met with disappointment.
You say don’t worry about the jaded ones with troubled childhoods? How can you not when the majority had troubled childhoods?
Women nowadays don’t need a man for his resources; isn’t socially persecuted for promiscuity (is in fact encouraged); and can get all the social validation she needs by posting a selfie that will have 10 – 20 “thirsty” men commenting how great she is and how they would do anything for her? When you have 20 options and no repercussions for choosing any of them, you choose the best one.
How could a modern woman *not* start to see men as disposable in this type of environment?
Men don’t absorb the alpha info because it’s fun or because there’s nothing else out there. They do it because when you set and confirm 10 dates, and 8 of them flake the last hour because they found something better to do, you have to start implementing values and ideas that protect your interests.
It’s not a media fueled, corporate funded, intentional deception. It’s real men, sharing real experiences, and having real results.
I’ll finish with a viral meme that sums up the dynamic pretty well:
Woman: “I opened a DM from a guy, disgusted, expecting to receive a dick pic. Instead it was a poem, which was somehow WORSE”.
This is what the modern man is working with.
Hey man, THANK YOU for posting such a juicy and vulnerable opinion here. You are speaking for the wounded hearts of a huge number of men, and your frustration is well founded. I started formulating a reply, but I realized that I’m fire to make this a bigger discussion, so I think I’ll post my reply to you as a youtube video. Gimme a few days to sit down and shoot it!