Yes, it’s true, a HUGE number of men believe this (and frankly, so do a huge number of women). If a woman is beautiful, chances are, she’s not too bright.
Sure, sure, there are exceptions, but most very beautiful women MUST be stupid… or at the very least, they are probably bitchy.
Why?
Well, maybe it has something to do with cosmic scales of fairness. Surely it would be unfair for a woman to be born both beautiful… and smart… and NICE…?
No! That would be far too much for one person.
Plus… there’s “science”…
Can You Guess Her IQ?
Yep, one of the big myths that run around amongst men (and particularly around the circles of “pick up artists”) is that there is a good psychological reason for attractive women to be kind of dumb and bitchy…
You see, it’s quite simple: Since they always got attention for their physical appearance, they “never had to develop a personality” in order to get people to like them.
By this theory, unattractive women are “nicer” because otherwise, who would pay attention to them? This explains what “pick up artists” mean when they say, “She has an ugly girl personality” (in case the meaning isn’t clear, this is supposed to be a GOOD thing).
There’s only one problem with all of this:
IT’S 100% BULLSHIT.
In fact, unfair as it may be, all of the science points in the opposite direction.
There is now substantial agreement in the scientific community that “favorable genetic traits” tend to travel together.
What this means is that the universe is actually cosmically UNFAIR. If someone is good-looking, they are MORE LIKELY to be smarter, more athletic, and more creative.
Yikes.
Of course there is a huge amount of variation, and there is no way to predict a woman’s (or a man’s) intelligence based on their physical appearance, but there is some minor correlation: The more beautiful a woman is, the more likely she is to be smarter, more creative, etc.
Furthermore, that attention that pretty girls get from a young age doesn’t “prevent them from having a personality,” but rather has quite the opposite effect of giving them an easy route to high self-esteem, which encourages personal growth, emotional maturity, and more confidence in taking risks in discovering who they are with greater freedom of self-expression.
(As a side note, it’s been my observation that when any woman allows herself to be open to the inner beauty of her feminine side, she experiences a flood of self-esteem that leads to a cascade of attractive behaviors that make men take immediate notice, and make life a happier place).
And yet, most men continue to have the experience (or at least the opinion) that beautiful women tend to be less intelligent and less personable.
So you might be wondering, what the heck is going on here?
I’m so glad you asked…
Here is the truth about why men believe attractive women have bad personalities:
1) Straight up insecurity and low self-esteem
Yep, it’s true… when someone has higher self esteem than you do, it can feel threatening. And when humans feel threatened they find it unpleasant, and it makes them feel even worse, and they lash out.
Who is she to have so much easy confidence when I secretly don’t like being stuck having to be me? Her confidence makes my lack of confidence even more obvious and unpleasant to me… and that makes her unpleasant to be around. I mean, who the hell does she think is to be so self-satisfied!
2) Jealousy
In other words, beautiful women are bitches for the same reason that rich guys are usually assholes.
He’s got millions and I don’t, so he must have done something shady to get all that money. Or he must be greedy, or he must not play fair, or he was just lucky and now acts like a big shot.
In the same way, that beautiful woman has something men want, and they generally aren’t getting it. There just aren’t enough Victoria’s Secret models to go around for every man to have one.
This is, of course, why many women think beautiful women are dumb too. (And if you are a woman reading this and thinking about your beautiful neighbor that, seriously, really IS stupid… I gently invite you to re-examine that assumption, and to question if she might act very differently around folks that aren’t disliking her for her beauty).
3) Coveting what you haven’t earned
Going back to our rich guy who is an asshole… he’s also an asshole because he won’t give ME any of his millions. What would it cost Michael Bloomberg to give me one lousy million when he’s got billions? What a jerk.
And that beautiful woman who won’t give you even a CHANCE to take her out on a date…? she won’t even give you a shot at finding out if she might grow to become attracted to you…?
What a bitch!
4) Rejection
This is a big one that I talked about in my blog post here… virtually every man has experienced rejection at the hands of a beautiful woman.
There may have been the major rejection and heartbreak from a teenage crush that you pursued (stalked?) over months or even years…
But there is also the frequent and daily rejection in tiny moments of eye-contact and the dance of body language, in which we notice a beautiful woman, she notices us noticing, and she turns away defensively.
For women (virtually all women), this is an automated rejection behavior learned over a lifetime of having men trying to hit on them. For particularly attractive women, the onslaught of sexual attention is present ALL THE TIME, and it begins at an age when it is particularly unwanted and yucky.
She’s had men hit on her her whole life, every singe day, and the legions of “PUAs” out there who are trained to approach and approach, and to keep “plowing” and not take no for an answer, have considerably exacerbated the situation.
Simply put, no woman has the TIME to sit and patiently explain that no, it’s not you in particular, that it’s nothing personal, that she’s actually in the middle of something, that you’re not really her type but that it says nothing about you as a human, and that she can see (and truly respect) the courage it took for you to approach her when so many other creeps just stare, and that truly she has empathy for what it is like to be interested in someone and not have that feeling reciprocated, but, with deep regret and apology, no I will not be fucking you tonight.
So instead, she has simply developed habitual behavior patterns that work to shut men down quickly.
The “pick up artists” refer to this as a “bitch shield”, but in fact, it is an unpleasant corner that men have pushed her into… much more of a douche-bag shield than a bitch shield.
In fact, this “shield” is a learned behavior that is triggered as a DIRECT RESPONSE TO WHAT YOU ARE DOING.
If you are not predatory, overly ingratiating, needy for her attention, or making her uncomfortable with emotionally immature behaviors, you will find that beautiful women are quite as nice as every other type of human out there.
HERE’S WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW IF YOU WANT TO STOP GETTING REJECTED BY BEAUTIFUL WOMEN…
In fact, if you get these lessons, you’ll discover this nearly magical transformation occurs– beautiful women all around the world will suddenly become smarter and nicer!
(Importantly: “beautiful” in this context = the type of woman that YOU personally are really, really attracted to… you have probably noticed already that the type of women that your weird buddy – who likes a very different type of woman than you do – are already much nicer than the ones that YOU are attracted to).
LESSON 1:
Perhaps you have already had this experience for yourself. You may know one or more exceptionally beautiful women that are just wonderful, fantastic, fun, brilliant, and super-nice… maybe she is one of the most authentically nice people you have ever met.
Maybe she is a cousin or an old friend from childhood, or your sister’s best friend, or someone for whom sexual possibility has always been off the table.
I have over a dozen female friends I’d put in this category: Women beautiful enough to cause a car accident if they are dressed sexy and standing on the sidewalk… who are also absolutely wonderful friends. Women who have a great sense of humor, who are smart as hell, and doing important things with their lives to make the world a better place. Women who care about humanity and who are just decent and wonderful humans themselves.
Now, here’s the experience I’m talking about…
You’re out at a bar or some public place with your beautiful female friend and some guy (or group of guys) descends on her and starts “gaming” her.
Two things probably occur– the first is that you feel defensive of her. Let’s leave that one aside for now– The second one is that you see her face turn icy cold, her lips purse into a harsh line, and her shoulders stiffen, she rolls her eyes and turns away…
Suddenly the warm, playful, super-fun, and super-nice friend of yours turns… bitchy?
Maybe she pretends not to understand what they are talking about to avoid embarrassing them or putting herself into an awkward situation… has she turned… stupid?
I gotta tell you that I see this ALL THE TIME with my beautiful friends, and first of all, I find it AMAZING that they can make such an instantaneous and radical personality shift.
Also, I find it absolutely hilarious and amusing. For some reason (maybe my own inner, hurt little boy that remembers those kinds of rejections myself), I find it absolutely ENCHANTING.
LESSON 2:
I was asked to speak about authentic attraction at a friends “dating seminar”. Actually the seminar was about “day game” which is PUA-speak for “picking up chicks during the day in public places like bookstores, coffee shops, or just out the sidewalk”…
During Q&A afterwards, one of the guys asked me something about why nightclubs attract all the meanest, dumbest, and bitchiest “party girls” and “hoes”…
I replied, “Because YOU’re there.”
The other guys in the seminar room laughed, but I wasn’t joking.
I continued by explaining to him that, first of all, girls in nightclubs are ALL girls. Every woman goes out to a club once in a while… Every girl you meet out in a club is also a girl who goes to bookstores and coffee shops. She’s got a job. She’s a family. She’s got friends who adore her and laugh with her… She’s that gorgeous (but ODDLY NICE) friend of yours.
Then I explained that psychologists and neuroscientists have understood for a long time now that PERSONALITY IS NOT STATIC. Nobody has one personality that stays the same all of the time. There is no part of the way you behave that is the REAL YOU.
In fact, we have infinite personalities inside of our brains. Personality, it turns out, is something that happens when some combination of our behaviors INTERACTS with the environment and people around us.
Your personality is different on vacation than at work, different with a waitress than a cop, different with your mom than your boss, different with your best friend than a gorgeous woman who just asked you what time it is at the bookstore…
In other words, personality is something that happens in the interaction BETWEEN people, not INSIDE either one of those people.
If you think women in a nightclub are bitchy it’s because THAT’S WHAT YOU ARE BRINGING OUT OF THEM.
This isn’t some theory or wild idea. This is the way it actually IS.
When a woman you are attracted to is bitchy, unpleasant, or just kinda dumb… that’s because THAT’S WHO SHE IS AROUND YOU.
And guess what? Nobody wants to date or have sex with someone who brings out that side of themselves.
What if, instead, something about you brought out the best in her?
What if, whenever you were around, her personality was more fun? She felt free to express the parts of herself she liked the best? What if she felt SEXY and FEMININE whenever you were around?
What would your life be like if you could learn THAT trick?
…Now, as you know, I don’t usually teach “dating advice” or how to meet and attract a woman, but I have come to realize that it’s actually quite important that SOMEBODY teach this… and nobody else is. [Edit: I am currently recording a program to fill this gap, which will be available soon]
Please leave your comments, questions, and personal observations below. This is an important conversation and I want your input.
Thank you for this! I’ve never have been able to articulate this without feeling like a bitch! This paragraph, in particular, could never be spoken by a woman without it appearing well – just horrible. But it is 100% spot on. And very woman appears beautiful to many men. It’s not only Angelina who’s experiencing this.
“Simply put, no woman has the TIME to sit and patiently explain that no, it’s not you in particular, that it’s nothing personal, that she’s actually in the middle of something, that you’re not really her type but that it says nothing about you as a human, and that she can see (and truly respect) the courage it took for you to approach her when so many other creeps just stare, and that truly she has empathy for what it is like to be interested in someone and not have that feeling reciprocated, but, with deep regret and apology, no I will not be fucking you tonight.”
I’d add it’s not just the time involved – I’ve always wondered why I/we have an obligation to explain this to any stranger – never mind every one? And thanks for helping me clarify this aspect of my entire life!! Sometimes good things just fall in one’s lap.
Thanks. Whilst you often share great insights, this is the first I’ve felt compelled to day Bravo and Thanks. Yay you!
Cindy
Thanks Cindy.
Just as a side note, nobody ought to have an obligation to explain their lack of attraction for someone, but EVERYONE has been on both ends of an unrequited crush, and it’s horrible from both sides. It’s no fun having your heart broken, and it’s no fun breaking someone’s heart just because, for reasons you can’t possibly explain yourself, you’re just not “feeling” it with them.
In the name of this shared humanity and compassion, I have a friend Annie, a very beautiful woman, and she has a practice of trying to give a little hit of love and compassion to every man who hits on her. Usually it’s just one quick sentence, but she tries to convey with her eyes and a little squeeze of encouragement on the arm, that while she’s shutting the door (with no uncertainty) to sex, she appreciates them as a human.
Needless to say, she has mixed results! But I do deeply admire her for trying.
Not everyone, Alex.
I’m so with you Cindy, it’s a total relief to see this explained, especially by a man who has experienced rejection too. So great that at least one man gets it, and I’m so glad you are teaching others Alex.
I do not know how a guy can say he’s attracted to a certain type of woman when so much of what she’s about, goes on in her head. The problem as I see it is, how to get to know her well enough (which takes time) to find out how you feel about her. Then it can be too late. She has zeroed in on you and if you respect other people’s feelings…….
It is also a good question of why appearance is that important in women?
Sure, we are still animals and we feel attraction for people who look healthy, have proportional features, etc. But women are under so much more pressure then men are. A man can be not so attractive but have a great sense of humor and be charming, and chances are he will be surrounded by women. But a woman doesn’t really get a second chance if she is not attractive.
Sophie, I grappled with this question for 45 of the last 50 years and it was only when I began reading and learning about the animal within the man, that I began to appreciate that their world is so vastly different to ours (as a woman).
The truth is that a man is physically driven. In so many aspects of men, its the phsyical that resonates loudest within him. If you stop and think about it….. the most effective way to communicate with a man is physical; the thing that motivates men will be physical eg: competition, strength, endurance, making things, etc If you think of men as relating to most things on a physical level, then it makes more sense of why women spend so much time and money trying to guess what a man is attracted to…. physically.
I have talked to many men who have been open and honest with me about this…. and the bottom line is…. they need to be physcally attracted to a woman in the first instance to develop the motivation to spend time getting to know her…. unless they get to know her by default in a work situation etc.
There is nothing wrong with this notion, nor should it be condemned…. it just is the way it is! The quicker we accept that men are affected and motivated differently to women, the more understanding we develop and the more effective we can be in communicating and connecting with beautiful wonder men.
Cheers
Wonderful, effective commentary Alex.
I hàve never considered myself to be classically ‘beautiful’, though I had to realise as I got older that the amount of attention I got from men, often unwanted, when I was younger must have been because I attracted it! I have on occasion in the past found myself in the position of ‘freezing’ a man out and ending up having to be rude to make the unwarranted attention go away usually because I wasn’t looking for attention, but just wanted to be with my friends in a social setting.
There are so many types of beauty and I agree that self confidence and self esteem have a lot to do with beauty all round. So often I have been told that it is intimidating. I am soft and sensitive to others but can be assertive. Frankly I’m glad to be older and not in the same environment as PUA’s any more.
Intelligence or lack thereof has nothing to do with looks and neither does emotional intellgence. Being confident in your own skin and being happy with who you are in itself builds self esteem, even if it was lacking in childhood. That in itself is attractive to others and will draw them to you. How that is responded to is actually a choice, but then so is how a beautiful woman is approached.
Alex,
Thank you so much for this! I’m almost 50 and not the beauty I was 30 years ago. Don’t misunderstand, I feel more beautiful than ever, it’s just different now. Anyway, I used to dread going out. I was that bitch, sick of the cat calls and come ons and players. The way I perceived it, they didn’t care about me. However, that rare guy who would just introduce himself, no lines, no pickups and simply talk to me and respect me as the smart girl I am? I’d talk to that guy all night. I didn’t feel like prey and relaxed, laughed and the bitch was no where to be found. I currently date online…..same issues, just a new venue. If I get an email that ONLY talks about physical attributes? That feels almost disrespectful. My profile talks about my hobbies, my life, what’s important to me….and Mr Hit doesn’t care about those things? I really try to seek to understand and almost always give a guy a few chances. I think there are some great guys that just aren’t sure what to do. I hope those guys listen to you! Thank you for truly understanding both sexes and helping both to be better partners and better human beings! Been following you for a few years, love your articles!
My experience is that there are MANY beautiful women in the world.
Many (most) make themselves ugly by their outlook or behavior, mostly due to past experiences with their poor choices in men.
Solution? Choose high quality men!
Somehow, them not choosing high quality men was the fault of men in general.
(How is that working for you?)
The best thing I ever did was to stop ‘dating’ and instead, to ‘meet with’ and take the woman to a dance.
(Ballroom is one of my passions.)
Many attractive would refuse.to.let.any.man.lead, even dance instructors.
Men, me included, would sometimes falter during their lead.
When I first danced with my sweetheart, she was delighted that I could lead.
There were moments when I faltered, and instead of taking over, she paused and waited for my lead.
THAT made her such a keeper!
Hey Tom, it seems to me that your perspective that beautiful women are usually ugly in their outlook or behavior is 100% the same as saying beautiful women are dumb or bitchy. It’s a perspective that is not born of any kind of empirical truth.
In fact, beautiful women are unlikely to have any different outlook or behavior than any other human… unless they are better. If they have past experiences of men it is likely to be better experiences as they have had greater choice.
If there is a correlation between beauty and a bad outlook, or bad behavior, or bad choices, or blaming others for bad choices, I have yet to observe it.
I encourage you to examine the possibility that your experience of beautiful women making themselves ugly might be self-generated, or might be a generalization made by just a handful of bad experiences and not taking into account all of the wonderful women you probably know (regardless of their physical appearance).
As usual, you are spot on, Alex. Your intelligent and emotionally mature comments concerning this subject are much appreciated, mainly because they help one to understand how a beautiful woman feels, being in the situation(s) in which her beauty places her. And, understanding that, we can much easier understand the effect on others, also beautiful women, of our own output. So you have helped your readers to see the “Other Side Of The Coin”…The effect on others of their own output….Bravo!
Thank you, Alex.
Excellent article Alex!
I’ve certainly been guilty of this in my youth because I needed my ego salved. I had to have some reason why I was better off without that beautiful girl who didn’t like me. So it must have been because she was a bitch. And then I grew up a little bit and realized that I was being a total douche around them. It was a hard habit to break, because I was still insecure and sensitive, so I was always bracing for rejection and, like you say so well in this article, I was totally bringing out the worst in the beautiful women around me.
Thanks for the wise words yet again. You should be required reading for all teenagers.
Thank you for speaking out Kiki. Your experience is the same as my own.
I appreciate you having the courage to be vulnerable so that other men can learn by your example what is possible.
Alex,
I agreed with a lot of what you said. I’m not one of those guys you describe. I’ve had good and bad experiences with women of varying degrees of beauty, so I make no blanket generalizations.
Here I must be honest and say I didn’t agree or care for your view that it’s always a guy’s fault if a woman he encounters at a nightclub is bitchy. It sounds an awful lot like telling a woman if she wants her abusive husband to stop hitting her she should stop making him mad.
A woman at a club might be in a bad mood. The loud music and chaotic atmosphere and drunk guys leering at her might put her on edge. She might be in the midst of a painful menstrual cycle. Who knows.
I’ve had wonderful flirtatious encounters at bars. And I’ve had women treat me like shit unprovoked. I figure if I approach with a positive vibe and the intent of having fun and giving good energy, I don’t take responsibility for whatever dark (or drunken) place the woman I encounter happens to be occupying at that moment.
With that said, if a guy ALWAYS gets coldly rebuffed, he should take a hard look at himself, the emotions he brings and his behavior.
Scott, Just when I think there’s hope and some intelligent insight is being shown by men, someone like you blames a woman’s perceived negative reaction to whatever the subject is on her having her period- REALLY!!??
Alex, Thank you for your insight and being able to voice the truth in a way most people can understand.
Even with online dating, this can be an issue. I am 54 and am in a very good place in my life. A man approached me online and I thought I’d give it a shot. When we then talked on the phone he was calling me “Sweetie” half way through the conversation- red flag for “possessive”. I could not meet with him right away due to work and family obligations, but told him I could be available after the following Tuesday. He called me that Tuesday night (he later told me- from a bar, with his buddies) to demand why I hadn’t gotten together with him that night. I said we hadn’t made any plans and that I had said we would make plans to meet after that day. The next day he called to say he was sorry if he had been rude but he was “a little drunk” and had led the guys to believe I was his new girlfriend. Granted, I had never laid eyes on him in person and was now seeing another red flag. After thinking about it, I called him the next day to say that I had come to realize that this would not be a good match and that he should find someone better suited to what he was looking for. He seemed to be okay with it, although disappointed and I thought that it was all done. However, he then contacted me twice trough the dating website to make nasty comments about how mean I was and how he hoped I wouldn’t hurt any other men like I had hurt him. Another red flag. I just ignored the comments and he did go away. It was a learning experience for me. I was glad we never actually met since he lives in my town and may have ended up camping out on my doorstep or worse. I realized in just a week’s worth of a few needy, possessive and lacking conversations on his part, that this was definitely not the person for me. I tried to let him down firmly but carefully because he seemed fragile. There was just no way to get through to someone like that.
I’ve dated my share of men of all types and I’ve been married. I’m getting better at spotting men who have “issues” that they haven’t dealt with and I can’t fix. There are many good men out there whom I really enjoy as either lovers and/or friends. When the man comes along who is worth getting to know better and is a commitment-ready adult, I will also be ready for him, since I’ve gone through my proving ground.
So bring on the confident, intelligent, attractive men who are comfortable in their own skin and who truly love well-rounded, happy intelligent women. I and other women who are ready to grow into an excellent loving partnership will be ready for them.
Thanks Lisa. I believe a lot of men act this way without realizing that they are doing it. They don’t evaluate it from the other side– they truly don’t see that they are creating the reaction they are getting from women.
As for your dig on Scott… go easy! I think his larger point was that some folks are nice and some aren’t, and some aren’t just because some other factors are putting them in a bad mood. I’m pretty sure he wasn’t saying the root cause of women being mean is menstruation. It sounds to me like he’s one of the good guys here.
Okay Alex,
I’ll hand that to you. I am very sensitive to that remark after hearing men in my workplace, family and social situations always blame a woman’s snapping or reaching a breaking point under truly understandable circumstances of abuse of power, or pushing too far(usually under the influence of alcohol) or in one case of an ex husband, my responding with justifiable anger to unconscionable behavior that was the last two by four that broke the camel’s back after 12+ years. I have been happily divorced now for 7 years, enjoying the good men I’m meeting and not wasting time with the others.
Hello Mr. Allman,
Is that really your last name? or is it like your stage name? I was just curious. I think you have pointed out a subject that most over look. The cause and effect is an interesting view point and I agree with pretty much every thing you said. I had a crush on someone for years and that was totally off limits to me and for the most part she was nice to me until I told her how I felt and then everything changed overnight. I was avoided at every turn and treated like I did not exist but I continued to try and talk to her in the hopes of fixing our relationship and getting back to what we had but the more I tried the worse it seemed to get. I finally just stoped trying for a couple years and It basicly stayed the same, just the cold shoulder when we were around each other for holidays and such. I recently made a little progress by letting her know that She let me down by not really ever listening to everything I had tried to talk to her about or asking me what she could have done to help me at the time. I had only told her about the crush because I was worried that it might be come a problem with our friendship. I won’t go into all the details but I could not tell her all of this outright because she avoided me, so I sent her some songs on a cd, that I had chosen very carefully . The next tie I saw her she started talking around me and to me about stuff, but we did not touch on the past, but we atleast started talking again. I figure a talk about the past is coming but that’s will be after she starts trusting me again.
Honestly I thought by telling her how I felt might make us closer but it actually drove us a part. I spent a lot of time studying women’s behavior before coming to the same outcome that you pointed out, Women have a cold side that they show automatically when they are not interested in you, because of whatever reason, it is just easier for them to blow you off or treat you like you don’t exist instead of trying to explain themselves to you.
Hey Jim, it sounds to me like she was disappointed that you weren’t truthful back when she felt very intimate and close to you as a friend… and then she disappointed you when she made no effort to be a friend when you were being vulnerable with your feelings and emotions.
So, basically, your both flawed humans. Welcome to the way reality works. I hope you guys do find a way to become friends again, talk the whole thing out, and grow from it.
The big lesson for you is that it is okay, and in fact, POWERFUL, to be clear, open, and honest about your sexual desires from the start with women. If you’re not pushy or needy, if you’re cool with that desire being reciprocated or not, then it’s just a statement of what is. And in this case, “what is” is that you are sexual man.
Women will respect that in you. Many will find it powerfully attractive. And you can still forge friendships, but without deception, and without the same kind of “friend-zone” treatment that makes men feel neutered.
And yes, it’s a nom de plume.
Yep IM with you Alex on this one.
I met a girl ona bus couple of days ago hot, and turned out she studied physics, and read books.
Yep god bless them
Thanks Alex for getting my point, where others missed it.
Looks as though you unintentionally opened the door to finger pointing that is all too common between genders. Again, I’d say it often isn’t anyone’s fault when a conversation doesn’t go well. Often two people simply don’t click.
Ironically, you dismiss PUA principles yet echo what I heard Mystery, the granddaddy of pickup, say at a seminar: If a woman you’re hitting on acts like a bitch, you’ve done something to make her bitchy. Mystery also said the beautiful women he connected with were generally great human beings. I suppose seduction, like anything else, has a wide range of advice and views, some good, some bad.
The idea behind persisting — which you called “plowing” — is to not reflexively bail from a conversation just because a woman isn’t showing immediate hot attraction. Of course, some guys will go too far and keep imposing themselves on a woman who is clearly telling them to buzz off. But a man needs to stick in long enough to give a woman a chance to warm up and for both parties to assess if things are going anywhere.
The truth is, really attractive women don’t get approached much because they intimidate men. They get stared at a lot. Most guys who do approach them spout lame, worshipful compliments about their looks. Nothing playful, fun or a little edgy.
Hey Scott, thanks for bringing these points up. It’s exactly for these kinds of comments that I posted this to the blog and not the newsletter. So much comes up in the conversation…
First, yes, an excellent observation that miscommunications come up everywhere between the genders, and in this case it’s not because of the cliche idea that we simply have different ways of communicating, but rather the over-sensitization and mistrust that leads us to believe that the other means something negative when actually they were making an innocent comment.
The responsibility lies at our feet, each of us as individuals, for we have all sinned, and we all cast stones.
As for Mystery and the PUAs…
I do NOT dismiss them. Mystery in particular, who I have been friends with for nearly 10 years, is a powerful genius who made observations and insights into male/female courtship that would have made Freud drop his pipe.
As I mentioned in my post above, some men learn a few ideas from the PUAs and integrate them successfully into having more tools with which to forge relationships with women… BUT MOST DON’T.
Most men take these ideas as a REPLACEMENT for authentic relating and end up recklessly dysfunctional, and eventually incapable of having normal, fulfilling, nourishing relationships with women.
PUA tactics create women as the adversary in a chess match to win pussy, and use status and attraction as a point system that must be constantly managed to avoid losing the pussy to another player.
When PUAs (and ESPECIALLY THE REALLY SKILLED ONES) get into a “relationship,” they are constantly monitoring for status and attraction in everything their “girlfriend” says to does, and they make adjustments to their behavior towards her accordingly.
How exhausting. How depressing. How utterly dehumanizing.
They are succeeding at the game that once frustrated them, but failing as humans.
This is an accurate portrayal of my friend Mystery.
He is trapped by being the best in the world at a game that gives him personal satisfaction only as it makes him the envy of other men who don’t know better. There is deep satisfaction in being good at ANYTHING, but in this case, the price he has paid (the possibility of happiness), is too damn high. It makes me sad to see him and so many others stuck in the trap that they themselves built.
When Mystery says: “If she acts bitchy, you have done something to make her bitchy,” he means you must adjust your tactics to get the response you need to further your game.
When I say: “If she acts bitchy, you have done something to make her bitchy,” I mean that you must re-evaluate your beliefs and how they make you show up in the world so that you can have an authentically, mutually enjoyable interaction with the kinds of women that you are physically attracted to.
To me a “hit” indicates that a man has already given up, has judged himself not eligible for me and is angry. He is hurt because of his own beliefs about himself and makes me the villain and strikes out at me with an insult or something similar. No need to be cold or dismiss a “hit” man. Smile, thank him for the compliment. When I do this they seem relieved and do not persist in pursuing me, even strangers on the street.
Wow what a piece of art this was!
I’ve learned a lot from this and I’m going to check out the webinar. I know a woman who is to me always negative and whining and I don’t give her a chance any ideas?? So this is what I bring out in her crazy stuff. I’ve my own healing to do at the minute just a kind of patch I’ve to get over lost my job etc do you think that this is coming from me my own inner wuss as Dr Paul puts it ha how do I recover and live life ? But all that message was struck home ehm I know tons of beautiful women but I can’t seem to get any as a potential life partner?? Any ideas ??
Hey Dean, I’m definitely doing this webinar exactly for men like you who aren’t getting the kinds of results… or even just the right “feeling” in their interactions with potential mates…
At this stage, I’m not making any bold promises. I have some important stuff that I want to share, and I believe it will make a powerful difference in your life… but this is the first time I’m teaching this stuff and I’ll wait to hear back from the men on the webinar about their results before I start bragging about anything.
As for the woman who is always negative and whining, it could very well be something you are brining out in her… or, you know, she could be a negative whiner!
It’s possible that beautiful women sometimes “act” stupid for various reasons, and can start hanging out with one guy, simply to get rid of another one she wants to be done with. I won’t go into this, but I have met plenty of beautiful women who were anything but stupid, and also very nice and considerate, too, and a couple of times, very interested in me, without any effort on my part. One needs to bear in mind that plenty of guys act like knuckle-dragging baboons around hot women, and in my own case, I’m so embarrassed by even seeing it that I avoid the scene entirely. I don’t even care what people think at that point – I just leave, or play “the observer”, like if I have to be in a meeting or whatever. Jedi don’t compete with baboons for attention, at least not this one. 😉
Insightful as always Alex
Mind you, i wish we could start a dialogue with some of the comment makers…..it would be interesting to engage these women in particular in ca cross talk…and I must admit, I missed the webinar. I’m glad that this conversation is being had, though. In a way, it gives some credence to the different ways in which men and women think and feel, especially on this complex topic of attraction, communication and where it crosses lines of respect and personal space. The fact remains that before a man can become a good lover, he DOES have to gain the interest of a woman…and for whatever reason, that is NOT as easy as it sounds, especially when ill-timing and differing personality issues combine and mix.
Firstly, let’s extend the olive branch and give the Beautiful women and cute girls of the world their due: Not every man thinks all beautiful women are “stupid”, “simple”, “Bitches”, “Hoes”, “Mean”, “ignorant”, “not decent human beings” or “not worth the time”. Though what you said about being “threatened” by them IS true. It’s ALSO true that is “unfair” that all these advantages seem to fall highly to the female being approached, and while a few of them CAN be mean or cold about it, many of them don;t even REALIZE it, and this also makes them oblivious to the effect they can have on a person who, simply, wishes to get to know them. Odette said that a man is “physically driven”, and largely this is true; a man’s sexual response tends to be heightened heavily and even sparked by visual stimuli…and often, this natural reaction is not something that guys are TAUGHT to handle or control, or even properly express. It responds to the beauty [inner and outer] of a woman, and this is a necessity; if a man’s sexual response system was similar to that of a woman’s, this planet would be far less populated than it is currently.
The upshot of it is that that physical appeal, that Beauty, is essentially a super power most women carry, and like any great power, it needs to be used responsibly, especially because from the time they are girls, women are far more trained in honing it and its uses in the rituals of attraction than average males are in responding to it. Mind you, this does NOT give men leeway to be assholes when approaching a woman….but nor does it give women an “excuse” to be less lovely in personality when they are being approached. That is because it takes a LOT….read, a LOT….for many men to even say “hello” to a woman of vast appeal, whatever that may be. Hell, other WOMEN are intimidated by a given female’s confidence, intelligence, sensual appeal, popularity, strength and beauty [hence a lot of female to female sniping]. So this is even more daunting for a man that is trying to approach and understand this mysterious human being on another, more intimate level.
Alex clearly put out a positive female idea of when she’s being approached by a guy…but believe it or not, not EVERY female responds with that level of respect or care, and its not because EVERY guy who approaches her is a raging asshole. Often, this defensive posture becomes the “default” among men she doesn’t know or in a social situation where she is having a good time and just doesn’t want to be approached. Maybe she has a boyfriend; maybe she is tired; perhaps she’s in a mood and is trying to get her mind off it; maybe she herself is shy. For whatever reason, the deflector shield goes up, and—– without even knowing it—– she expresses herself in a way that is less than congruent with the woman she is. And guys FEEL this. We can;t HELP but feel this; rejection hurts, on some level, because it makes one feel like they are less than worthy. and this is why bullet-proof confidence in men [or women] is such an admirable, attractive quality. But as Alex himself said in one of his programs, “unleash the Beast”, the idea of “worthiness” is something EVERY HUMAN BEING struggles with, because acceptance by others is an important part of our human psyche.
This is again at odds with the complimentary, but largely opposite methods of communication and sexual responses in males and females. Guys have an Approach mechanism that pushes us towards actively opening interactions with prospective mates; pressure is added when you consider that fact that [in the West, at least] general social conditioning puts the emphasis on the MALE to engage and lead the interaction. Women, by contrast, have a Screening mechanism which has them “filter out” less than desirable prospects based on a number of factors; this is WHY women can be more easily attracted to guys who don’t display a lot of physical beauty, but other laudable traits [confidence, charisma, intellect, competence, humor, social status, etc]. It’s also why, largely, the pressure ISN’T on women to approach. And, while most women, stunning or not, understand the over-saturation or frustration of turning away male attention….not many have a clear IDEA of the stress involved in learning to, then working up the courage, to approach a female….ANY female. And its that lack of appreciation that often times can come off as “bitchiness” or friction between the two.
If it’s the underlying female response of ““Simply put, no woman has the TIME to sit and patiently explain that no, it’s not you in particular… with deep regret and apology, no I will not be fucking you tonight”, then few men are given the OPPORTUNITY or the BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT to explain:
“Hi, I know, you probably get locked at, leered at, hit on and approached by guys a few dozen times a day, and i understand many of them can be annoying or even rude, and that its’s a lot to take on, and maybe you are just busy, and you might be right in the fact that I was just so taken aback by how incredible you came across physically that drew me to you initially, but the fact remains that, even if I’m not saying the right words or seen as wealthy or cool or just somehow not exactly your type, there is still something about you that just made me work up this serious amount of bravery to risk the fear of rejection at best and you maybe being mean at worst to come over and say hello. Yes, I’m sexually curious about you, as well, but it would be nice if we could, maybe, just get to know each other a little because believe it or not, I may just be a decent guy beneath the nervousness or bravado. So…who are you?”
One of my favorite poems, states:
“Let me not look upon you,
For if I do put you in view
Then all the things my eyes see
May well influence thoughts that should not be
Thoughts of how and what and why
So wondrous a form can be adorned
by one who doesn’t know the power she holds…
Do not be so mean, or rebuke my affections
Which can be misread as misguided attentions
Cause Man lacks the words to properly mention
Or to name the ways we’re put in a daze
By that symphony of feelings your physicality plays on our being
In all truth, I’m wrong, not for dancing to this song,
But for becoming so swept and inept in its multitude
That my head goes dead and your spiritual food spoils
And my lament comes out rude, or makes you recoil…
So it IS understood that not all beautiful women are wenches, and that Beauty in itself could be a commodity that is highly misunderstood. But so too is the way men respond to this beauty and the effects it can have. It’s not PURELY the fault of “man” that many of these women are “mood changed”; as you said, Alex, its the shift that occurs in personality between people in a given situation. A lot of this is natures way of encouraging the play, and its something we DO need to be trained in; men in being better givers, women in being better receivers. I speak here as a Man that has been on both the giving AND receiving end of rejection from women of all types. If we truly try to have a bit of empathy for each other’s positions in this regard, it would make things far easier in the long run, i think.
This is the dumbest article I have ever had the displeasure to stop reading.
Seriously.
The writer should kill himself for being so stupid, thus taking himself out of the gene pool for the benefit of humanity.
Show me a pretty woman who is smart and kind.
Jesus Harold Christ what a mangina you are.
I know crackheads who make more sense.
Ah Drew, I’m so sorry that life has disappointed you enough to become this angry 🙁
At first, I admit, I had a good laugh– and then I let myself feel for a moment what your life must be and who you have become to be the guy that feels it important to publicly post this, and I nearly wept (I know, like a “mangina”).
Brother, I could show you hundreds and thousands of women that are pretty, smart, and kind– but you wouldn’t be able to see them that way because your anger towards women would turn them defensive, sour, angry, and possibly even afraid in your presence. They would want nothing more than to get far, far away from you.
I hope some day you meet a mentor you respect who can get you past this. But realistically I know that some men simply suffer through life and die without ever truly feeling loved.
Great article Alex!
I’ve been guilty of so much of what you talk about here: thinking hot women are bitches for turning me down, trying to make myself feel better by judging them inferior, not considering their situation. This is a great explanation of what’s behind this “bitchiness.”
I have a question that I’m pretty sure you can’t answer without knowing me, but I’m hoping you’ll provide a way for me to find my own solution. I’ve noticed often that when I find a woman attractive, I’m doing something that’s shutting them down or creeping them out. For example: I’m in the elevator with a pretty woman and say hi, and she gives me a brief hello and then visibly tightens. I talk to a woman near the coffee machine at my co-working space and she ends the conversation quickly (not rudely, but very clearly gives me the “not interested” signs). At a party, I’ll make conversation with a woman and her body language (turning half-away, looking around) makes it clear she’s not interested. I don’t think I’m hitting on them, and I’m not saying stupid pick up lines or PUA negs.
If this were a couple situations here or there, I’d let it go and understand it has nothing to do with me. But it happens a lot, and the common denominator is me, so I must be doing something creepy. And it hurts. I’m not a bad looking guy, I’m in good shape, my breath doesn’t stink, I’m not wearing a Trump 2016 shirt, I’m not staring directly at her chest. How can I figure out what I’m doing that’s so off-putting?
Thanks in advance!
Kiki
Hey Kiki, I’m actually in the middle of teaching a program right now called “The Catch” where we are digging into exactly these issues that so many men face! It’s a shame you didn’t sign up to join us, because I really think it would turn all of this around for you.
There are potentially hundreds of possibilities, but generally women get creeped out when…
1) You are trying too hard to get them to like you or pay attention to you
2) You are trying to trade being nice to them for their attention
3) You are trying to pretend that you just want some casual conversation when actually you want to fuck their brains out (they can tell that you are hiding your sexual intentions, and it comes across as a potential threat to her safety– women find it relaxing when you give them the wicked smile and little flirty innuendos that indicate that yes, of course you are there to try to seduce them)
4) You are insecure about masculine sexual desires, feel like she would find them offensive, and so project YOUR aversion onto her.
And… the other thing to consider is a cognitive bias (the thought-systems that all human brains are wired with) called “The Illusion Of Transparency Bias”: We tend to think we understand what other people thinking far better than we actually do. In fact, we just assume they are thinking what we would be thinking– which is rarely the true case.
So, for example, when a woman gives you “a brief hello and then visibly tightens” you are assuming that she wants you to go away… but what if that visible tightening is her feeling attracted to you, getting butterflies in the stomach, and feeling involuntarily shy?
It would be hard for me to over-estimate how often men misread that.
Alex you are right on here. I am dating an incredibly beautiful, sweet, smart, and sexy woman who has told me I am different…She adores my confidence and genuine sense of masculinity. She is thirty years my junior but we enjoy an intense intellectual and spiritual connection along with our physical chemistry. So the key remains how you show up as a man, your “being” and mindset. These intelligent, super attractive women are looking for men who truly appreciate them on all levels so they feel seen and understand. Become this man, and these women will approach you first!
Amazing article as usual Alex. Love the positivity of the visions you’re always sharing.
Just this: “Jealousy” is incorrect. “Envy” is the word.
Jealousy is about fear of losing something we already have, while envy is about discontent provoked by someone else’s possession.
Anyone can be a bitch, even men. Having had some early success when I was young I was approached constantly by women. It can be really awkward, even embarrassing when someone is trying so hard to hit on you. Society tries to fill us with confidence, you know, whatever you want just go out and get it! People can become quite upset and angry when they don’t get what they want. I felt this at the age of 54 I come close to finding an amazing partner and it all seemed to be looking like ‘the one’ …finally, ‘I thought to myself’. Then it just ended, I was completely bewildered and heart broke for the first time. Perhaps it was karma for all the women I rejected…lol. So I hung up the dating boots, so to speak. Once I decided I was done dating I was able to concentrate on becoming just friends. I no longer feel threatened by the competition of other men or have an agenda with women, except to possibly become friends. I’m happy with that decision as I’ve had a great life and known some amazing people no matter what they looked like. In fact, some of the sexiest people I know are quite average to look at. It’s a great feeling to have female friends and be able to tell them I love them and it’s genuine.
I’m married to a beautiful women
she ‘s smart, friendly, a lot of fun to be around.
at parties guys don’t bring their wives, they hit on mine
she loves the attention, they tell her hoe smart she is, and before you know it they are off dancing. it pisses me off. the nerve of these jerks
I tell me wife she is too available to them with her sexy comments, they take liberities
I let them know to back off. And I tell my wife ease off a little. She gets mad at me and tries to make me jealous. It works.
I enjoyed reading this made a lot of sense
I’m 73 fit ,I have no trouble meeting women ,getting them in bed , my problem is maintaining a long term relationship which I want. I don’t think I’m needy but do like spending a lot of time(evening) with the person I’m trying to get in the long term relationship. At about 2-3 months I start to get the feeling the other party is disinterested and soon the relationship dissolves. Most say they don’t want a relationship.
I’m going to make it short and to the point, and profound, OMG, how did u get so smart about women ( yes i know your story) , for lack of a better ” word” i wish i had known this years ago and would have had better success, just be yourself, the irony of it all is i actually had a few girl ” friends” exactly as u mentioned and never really dawned on what was going on until later ….. so profound and yet simple …. better late than never huh ….
I agree with everything that you have said. I have been aware of the concept of genetic traits “coupling ” with others.
Thank You cause we need to hear some of it. I like your programs. This seems incredible. When does it exactly make it real. My question is is there something that I need to get to make real. Thanks it’s all great you’re really funny, keep it up.
Haha, beautiful girls are smart? You gotta be kidding 🙂 Take any hobby which requires knowledge and logical thinking – no beautiful girls there. Take movie discussion clubs – all pretty girls leave right after the movie, only the ugly ones stay for discussion. Take female scientists, especially from natural history sciences – most of them are ugly, looking more like a man than like a woman, or fat, without any sexy appearance. Take female photographers – I know just a few, but all of them are not sexy at all. And all the above mentioned examples are from my own experience. The more beautiful a woman is, the more she is interested in emotions and fun, and the less she is into any sort of intellectual entertainment.
Piotr, it was a close decision about whether to approve this comment. In general I don’t approve comments that are mean-spirited and never those that make personal attacks on other commenters, and this one is kind of on the border because the “haha” makes it less an objective observation, and more a rant…
BUT… I know a lot of men feel the same way, so I’d like to address it.
First, for your own sake, I’d look up “Confirmation Bias” and really, really dig into it with an open mind, because it can quickly become neurotic and ruin your life, and it is making you half a man. In short, confirmation bias is a mental cognitive efficiency that we ALL have, that causes us to sort the world only for the things that agree with what we already believe, and to ignore the things that don’t agree with what we already believe.
If you look at political debates, you can see it loud and clear. Trump could cure cancer and his detractors would say he did it for the money, probably faked it, will use it to destroy the world, and it’s the one exception that proves what an asshole he is. Likewise, a Trump supporter will tell you that removing environmental protections is a GOOD thing because oil companies and mining companies will be socially responsible all on their own (in spite of enormous historical and current evidence to contrary), and that he’ll probably negotiate with cancer so brilliantly that cancer will decide to leave all on its own and stay south of the great wall with Mexico.
I know that it was hard for you being rejected by beautiful women for your whole life, and I know it felt good to be able to believe: “They are pretty and they made me feel inferior, but it’s THEY that are inferior because I’m smarter than them!”
And confirmation bias took over from there.
When you do hear about a beautiful woman who won a Nobel prize you think, “that’s the weird exception that proves the rule!”
Movie discussions are not exactly the height of intellectual stimulation, and that attractive woman that left? She probably left because was not interested in hearing the opinions about a movie from people with a lower IQ than her.
I dated 2 successful fashion models– one was a lawyer who graduated from Yale, the other got her HS equivalency while modeling in Italy and Japan, completed her BS part time, and had been accepted to several prestigious medical schools (we broke up around the time she was set to make her decision on schools).
In fact, my cardiologist in NY is one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen (my wife, herself a gorgeous and brilliant woman with a degree in journalism and art criticism agrees from the best University in Moscow, agrees!). And if you care to wander my old campus at Duke University, one of the most prestigious universities in the world, your eyes will pop out of your head.
Now why is my experience completely different from yours? Well… MY confirmation bias of course!
It seems to me that every time I meet a gorgeous woman, she’s someone like this…
But for this particular post I wasn’t using my personal observation, but actual scientific and statistical numbers:
It’s horribly unfair to the rest of us, but the simple fact is, when you cross-match geniuses and physical attractiveness, good-looking people are way over-represented among the smarties.
Hey, thanks for answering! 🙂 I didn’t expect anyone to read these comments 🙂
As for your answer – I will address it in more details in a moment, but for now only one thing:
> when you cross-match geniuses and
> physical attractiveness, good-looking
> people are way over-represented among
> the smarties
One simple question:
Can you give some real-world examples of these good-looking genius women?
Well Brooke Shields went to Princeton and Natalie Portman went to Harvard…
And if you walk around the campus of Princeton, Harvard, Yale, Duke, etc… your eyes will pop out of your head. Both the men and the women are unusually good looking.
But “examples” are just casual observation. I’m sure you can find plenty of examples of beautiful people with low IQs. The science is in the large number analysis. And favorable traits like: Artistic talent, intelligence, athletic ability, etc., tend to group together. It’s not an “always” relationship, it’s simply a statistically observable correlation.
Hi again 🙂 Brooke Shields might not be a good example – I’ve just checked her “Education” profile at Wikipedia.”Princeton did not require her to take any classical studies, medieval, modern or American history, nor any course in mathematics, philosophy, economics, political science, world literature or science with laboratory experience”. Interesting read, indeed 🙂 As for Portman – agreed, she even did some scientific work, and she is indeed pretty. But – her topic is psychology, and my observations suggest, that psychology and medicine are branches where there are more pretty women than in other specializations. More coming soon 🙂
Yes Piotr, her topic is psychology and yours is talking about movies. You are so superior. Sorry man, it’s the science of genetics and statistics that you’re arguing with. My examples are just to show you that your comments are ignorant, not to argue over who the great Piotr thinks deserves the mantel of smart.
The truth is, you are merely proving my point that confirmation bias, frustration towards women, and a pervasive myth in our culture makes some men believe, even in the face of evidence, that attractive women must somehow be less intelligent (they just must!).
It just ain’t so. Now, with apologies, I’m not allowing the post of your other bunch of comments because the points are made, and your anecdotal stories of dumb women and your skills of seduction are simply not relevant to the topic, and this is, after all, the Alex Allman blog about improving relationships, not Piotr blog about how you’re superior to women.
this is utter trash. the author must be a full blown retard.
Hey Zalazar, all opinions are welcome my friend. A quick, but potentially powerful insight for you here (but really my hope is to use your comment to create a little object lessson)…
When you leave a comment like this, you’re not informing anyone about me and my writing. I don’t think many of my readers are thinking, “wow! yes! I hadn’t seen it before, but Alex is a full blown retard!”
People don’t easily change their opinions, and they’ve formed their opinion of me through my writing.
However, you ARE informing everyone who reads this comment about you, and what kind of a person you are.
The first impression you’ve made is:
1) You don’t like my opinions– which is safe enough.
2) You take offense easily and resort to anger rather than reason
3) You do not have any useful insights or reasoning to add to the conversation (I, for one, would love to hear WHY you take offense at my article and why you think it’s utter trash).
4) You’re willing to use offense language that not only has the aim of offending me (which, of course, it doesn’t), but offends others (which, I promise, it does).
Here’s where we get deep:
You can actually use this quick snapshot of revelation about who you are to take a good look yourself at how you show up in the world. Is this really who you want to be? Is this really who you are, or is communication making you look far smaller than you are. There’s a real opportunity here to understand some things about zalazar that are hidden from zalazar.
where would be without scientists today.
I personally met pretty ones, fraumen, feminazi, you name those post-apocalyptic kids…basically, almost any kind on person imaginable in various parts of Europe…originating from many cultures/civs.
I yet wanna see pretty and smart person. Those jokes “too pretty to know something” are based on something. There is something about school of Yin Yang, and balance in nature. We still have 2% of superhumans, who knows.
Generally, speaking normals are never pretty and smart…PERIOD.
I like this one “women are stupid” – well, over 90% have no brain…I see no difference in both sexes. Ever since there is running IQ test on Earth and it confirms all possible theories.
Science disagrees my friend. Statistical analysis shows over and over again that desirable traits tend to travel together, so a person who is attractive is more likely to be smart, smart people are more likely to be athletic, athletic people are more likely to be artistically talented, and people that are artistic, athletic, smart, and attractive are also more likely to be more empathic and charismatic.